On December 31st, I declared my New Years Resolution:  Make monthly resolutions.

I went to bed last night thinking there was something I was forgetting to do.  My resolutions!  DUH!!

Soooo August’s goal was deceiptively simple.  Figure stuff out.

Unfortunately, I’m not able to say whether or not I succeeded.  And admittedly, this goal was probably really stupid because there was no way I could come out of the month saying I accomplished it.  At the time, I was having this huge internal struggle regarding what to do with my relationship with Dan.  I made my decision, and while I suppose that means I technically “figured stuff out”, I don’t really have a game plan.  Nothing is really figured out.  I am sitting in an apartment lobby with a few strangers eating oreos and writing in my blog.  Not so exciting.  And to say I achieved this goal implies (to me) that it’s all set in stone and life may commence.  To fail at this goal implies I made no progress toward getting what I want (whatever that is) and am sitting stagnant.  And so, dear readers, I will not be claiming victory or defeat.  But things are good with me and I am happy

Regarding September’s goals, here is what I have planned

1) Read 2 books – I am totally stupid for making this goal, but whatever.  I am going to the Philippines this month (have I mentioned that yet?) and that means LOTS of plane time.  If I can’t finish at least one book, I give up on life.

2) Make at least 1 video blog – I enjoyed making my video blog when I was in Peru earlier this month.  Ideally, I think it would be cool to make 1 video blog a day while on vacation to show you a little of the country I am in, but I think that’s a pretty hefty goal.  ESPECIALLY when I have no way of knowing how reliable my internet connection will be.  So at least 1 would be perfect

3) Stop multitasking so much – I watched a movie tonight.  Not “surfed the web and watched a movie”.  Not “wrote up a blog post and watched a movie”.  Not “cooked and watched a movie”.  I just watched a movie.  It was glorious.  It was also probably the first time I have done that in years.

4) Wash my face every night before bed – I am awful at this, and I really need to get better at it.  So a goal it shall be.

5) Write a blog post more than once a week – I enjoy my attempt at trying to make things interesting that really aren’t interesting at all.  Like when I went to the self-serve gas station.  Or stupid things that happen at work.  More uninteresting blog posts, here I come!

6) Have a great birthday – I might be spending my birthday this year alone.  I tried to arrange a trip to Wicked with some girlfriends, but that didn’t really work out.  I am accepting that this year maybe my birthday won’t be the special day it typically is where I am showered in gifts and love… and instead I have to just kind of chill by myself with a positive attitude… and that’s okay.  23, I’m ready for you.

And that, my friends, is all I have.  Happy September!

For the last 3 days, my life has been packing, unpacking, packing some more, unpacking, trying to find counterspace amidst all of the junk I piled up, unpacking, yelling at people for getting the white couch dirty, packing, unpacking more, etc.

And then… it happened.

ACCCHHHOOOOO!

And do you know what that means? It means it’s the worst part of my year.  IT’S ALLERGY SEASON. 

UUUUGGGGGHGHHHHHHHHHLSDKFHWOEIRW;FHNVSDL;D9PRTUF

I seriously hate this time of year.  I even hate it more than spring.  It’s too bad too since my birthday is coming up (I turn the big 2-3 on September 7th).  I whine and I complain every year to anyone that will listen… and in no way does that imply that they WANT to listen… but I’ve never actually gotten tested to find out exactly what I’m allergic to.  People always ask.  I never have an answer.  Perhaps I should start making things up?

But, you know… I never saw the point in finding out exactly what is bothering me.  It comes up every year around the same time, so it has to be something nature-y.  If it’s nature-y, it’s going to get all up in my business no matter what I do.  It is totally unavoidable.  I suppose I could move to a place where whatever I’m allergic to doesn’t exist, but I like where I live right now and I don’t want to move. 

I also hate taking drugs to handle my allergies.  Even the “non-groggy” stuff makes me groggy.  I have actually taken a few allergy medicines in the past that didn’t cause me to become groggy and angry, but apparently those side effects don’t exist because the medication just doesn’t work.  My unhappiness continues.

My eyes itch right now.

I used to think it was the Lilac tree in my parents’ backyard that got me.  Around this time of year it would be blooming and the smell of lilacs would be EVERYWHERE.  Every time I took a step out the back door, the smell was overpowering.  Eventually the tree came down and I cheered with joy thinking that I wouldn’t suffer from the crappy allergies in the fall, but… wouldn’t you know it… the allergies continued.  And even though my allergies aren’t caused my lilac trees, I still have a very negative association with the smell.  I can’t stand the lilac scent to this very day because, deep down inside of me, I still blame lilacs for my allergies.  I know it’s stupid, but I just can’t shake that “I hate lilacs” feeling.  There’s a random fun-fact for you.

I don’t really know where I was going with this.  I think I just wanted to complain.

Dan and I were going to begin moving into a new apartment on the 15th, but our breakup means that I will be living in the apartment solo (if you don’t count Lucy and Prandtl).  I’m really excited about decorating it however I want, and I have a lot of decorating ideas!  It is a relatively small apartment, but I think it will do.  Prandtl might get a little frustrated about the lack of running space, but (as I will show you) we have a pretty big “backyard” to work with.

Anyway, some of my friends were wondering what the new place looks like, and I thought Gee… what better place to share my apartment than on my blog? So I took Prandtl with me to check the place out and take a few photos:

View just after coming in the front door:

View the opposite way (looking at the front door from across the apartment)

The kitchen… I LOVE IT:

However…. the washer and dryer is in a closet next to the fridge. Weird placement. I don’t know how I feel about it:

There is a HUGE bathroom with tons of extra space. This photo does it no justice!

Not really a great picture of the bedroom, but it was the only one I took for some reason.

Prandtl’s favorite thing to do!  She can’t creep out of the windows at our current apartment.  The windows at my current place are too high and they face a brick wall.

I asked Prandtl how she felt about the place… and she approves

This is in the lobby! WHAT UP FREE COFFEE?!!!?!

The view out of my windows!! It is WAY better than a brick wall!

This is basically my backyard I am gonna love living right next to the river!!

I can’t wait to get settled here!  I basically will have two apartments until the end of the month.. so I have about two weeks to move everything from my current apartment to my new one.  I plan on painting for a few days.. and then I’ll start moving things over and getting situated.

Did I mention that I am SO EXCITED?!?!!!

Now that my blog has become the most depressing space on the interweb, I find it appropriate to keep going with these little updates about how things are going for me emotionally.  Afterall – it’s not like this can get any more depressing than it already is.

As I’ve said many times before, writing is how I deal with doubts, insecurities, and thoughts I can’t seem to let go of.  Admittedly, I suppose I am being a bit of a drama queen about this whole thing.  It’s not like we had a house, four kids, two dogs, and a life together.  We had an apartment, one dog, and a big screen tv.**  But this whole thing still sucks (for the lack of a better word).  This morning I found myself forgetting why we broke up in the first place.  Then I spent the rest of the day moping around, second guessing, and suffering from thoughts in my head that couldn’t sit still and give me a moment of silence.

And then, when I was venting to my friend Joe, he found it appropriate to say, “I totally thought you guys were going to get married”.  WHOA… GEE… THANKS…  I always appreciate it when someone cuts me right across the chest with a jagged and rusty blade, runs out to buy the biggest package of salt available at Sams Club, empties all of the salt into my fresh wound, and then rubs it in there so that not a bit of it is wasted — it is forced into the cut in a way that allows  every individual granule to cause me an awful, resonating pain.  Next time maybe he can grab some lemon juice to spray directly into my eyes, too.  REAL COOL, BRO.

I also forgot to mention that I was given a $4000 Vera Wang wedding dress the day after breaking up.  No joke.  It was 100% free and is hanging in my closet right now.  Of course the women who gave it to me had no idea that less than 24 hours ago I had broken up with a guy I once talked about marriage with… or that it doesn’t fit and I will need to lose about 5 lbs before I can zip it (not only could I feel lonely… I got to feel fat too!)… and they couldn’t possibly know that I would try it on as soon as I got home and tear up over how pretty it was and my lack of places to wear it.  They were actually really sweet when I told them what happened, and they are totally cool with me selling it.  But I just thought the timing was incredible.  Seriously.  Who does that happen to?

I am handling this well.  I really am.

I started doing Yoga, and while it has been strenuous for me physically, I have found it soothing emotionally.  My friends like to joke about the silly things they say (ex. “breathe out the impurities”), but I typically find myself trying to follow the instruction that they give.  I do my best to inhale the best I have to offer and to exhale the things that keep me from being happy.  In the last week and a half, I have been able to focus entire on me.  It is no longer “What’s best for us?”  Now it is “What do I want to do?”

When I was at dinner with a friend on Wednesday, we started to talk about the movie Eat, Pray, Love.  I mentioned how I kind of wanted to go on a solo vacation, and she excitedly proclaimed, “I did that once and it was fantastic!”  Apparently she went to Hawaii with a stack of books and spent an entire week there.  She went to the beach every day and didn’t have to ask anybody else for their opinion.  It was weird, she said, but a great experience.  “No matter where you end up going, you will learn a lot about yourself.”  Suddenly Take a vacation by myself is on my bucket list.

Hmm…

Well anyway, after rereading the beginning of what I have written here, I think I should mention that I am really not an emotional wreck.  The fourth paragraph (about the wedding dress) was written because… lets be honest… who does that happen to?  It is kind of sad, but at the same time very funny to me.  The 3rd paragraph was written because my friends have the best intentions, but they say silly things sometimes.  Also… I am pretty sure Joe reads this so he might appreciate a shout-out about how insensitive he sometimes is (and one of my favorite things to do is give him a hard time).  The 2nd paragraph is honest to what I’m feeling.  I’m not depressed and I’d like to think that those thoughts come with any breakup.

So, in case anyone was worried, my sense of humor is still intact and I am still the happy-go-lucky person I have always been

Besides all of that, I have a wedding to attend tomorrow.  I thought about wearing my new wedding dress to it, but I heard that wearing white to a wedding is rude.  Maybe a birthday party is coming up.

**In case anyone was wondering, Dan and I are going to move out of our shared apartment and into separate places beginning on Sunday.  I get the television and the dog.  He gets the desk that I spilled ink all over.  I definitely won in the “who gets what” game.

I jumped off of a 25 foot pole yesterday…  and I lived to blog about it!

As a part of Big Brothers Big Sisters, sometimes we get to take part in events that allow us to do fun things with our “Littles”.  Yesterday’s event was called “Leap of Faith”, and it was this massive pole stuck into the ground in the middle of the woods.  There was a structurally questionable ladder going up about 1/4 of the way, and then the rest of the climb were these small pieces of wood nailed to the pole.  We were instructed to climb as high as we could and then fall or jump off of it.  Our teammates would lower us to the ground safely.

I was fourth to climb, and as I watched the first, second, and third climbers jump off, I thought this whole thing looked easy.  Or at least I did until it was my turn…

Before I knew it, I was standing in front of a massive wooden pole getting all of these ropes attached to me (so I wouldn’t fall to my doom).  I had a lot of butterflies.

Then I was climbing… and I was climbing… and getting higher and higher… and I looked up and I still had a pretty far way to go until I was at the top.

Then I was at the top looking down feeling like I was miles from the ground.

Then I wanted to push myself, and I tried to stand up on top of the 1 foot in diameter pole

Then I stood on top of the pole and felt how shaky the whole setup was.  I almost fell.

Then, to push myself a little bit more, I chose to turn around on the top of it rather than just go off of it backwards.

Then I slowly turned around on top of it (of course I looked down the whole time) and almost fell 5 more times.

And finally… I took a few more deep breaths and another look around me… and I jumped.

————————————————————-

After all was said and done, our instructor had us all stand in a circle and say out loud what we learned from our experience.  Mine was:

“I can take a leap of faith… and be okay”

While I have been handling the breakup well, to say I haven’t had second thoughts would be a lie.  It’s hard to break up with someone when nobody has really done anything wrong.  But the timing of this event… and how relevant it was… and the kind of symbolism it held…

Everything is going to be just fine.

On Tuesday night, Dan and I broke up.

There was no cheating.  No unhappy feelings.  No not-getting-along. From the outside looking in, we had a great relationship.  Hell, even from the inside we had a great relationship.  But something was missing, and I never could quite put my finger on it.

I brought up my thoughts on our relationship, and he agreed.  Something really was missing.  He was able to put it in words better than I could.

“When we both lived in Michigan, we were both unhappy because we were just starting out and not quite doing what we want to do.  Moving to Minnesota has helped me find my happiness here through my research and the things that I do, but you haven’t found yours yet.  I needed support to reach the place I am at now, and you were there for me every step of the way.  Unfortunately for us, what you need is space — and I am willing to give that to you.”

I am not one to say that our 2 year and 4 month relationship was a waste.  I take everything as a learning opportunity because, no matter what I am doing, I am learning about myself in one way or another.  And I learned a lot with Dan.  He pushed me to be a better person and supported me no matter what I was doing. 

But there are only so many things you can learn in a relationship.  At some point, you need to take a step out of your comfort zone and learn to live on your own.  Since starting college, I was a “serial monogomist” and went from one serious relationship to the next in a matter of weeks.  And lately, with all of this talk of marriage and forever, I don’t think I’ll really be ready until I get the chance to try this out.

I’m not going to go into every facet of the breakup here, but to put it plainly… I am very sad. 

I am sure that I will be for a very long time.

For the last week, I have been listening to two songs over and over again.  I respond to music.  If any of you are having trouble with something in your life, maybe these songs can give you some much needed strength as well.

This month, I joined a little something called Bloggerstock.

My guest author is Ray J from Point Me To The Sky Above.  I have actually been following her blog for awhile now.  Her posts have the ability to make me really nostalgic from her weekly Flashback Friday theme, and while I’m still not into the World of Warcraft thing (WoW), I admit I have learned more than I ever wanted to know from her  But anyway, after you read this, check her blog out.  I definitely recommend her (PLUS she is newly pregnant – at least stop over and tell her congratulations!!!)

Hi everyone!

I had heard of Bloggerstock a few months back, but missed the deadline and thought it was a once a year kind of thing. When I learned that it’s actually monthly thing, I decided to go ahead and give it a shot! This is my first time doing anything like a Blog Swap or a Guest Post or anything, so please bear with me!

This month for Bloggerstock, they asked:
“If you could write ONE postcard to any person (living or dead), who would you write to, what would you say, and where would the postcard be from?”

In college, I finished as an art major and took lots of art classes, including several art history ones. I figured a lot of people might write to the obvious people – Jesus, a lost loved one, an ex, some famous historic person… I decided to stray from the obvious and go with one of my favorite artists – Vincent van Gogh.

Like quite a bit of now well-known artists, Van Gogh wasn’t very famous until he died. Around the last year of his life, he started to gain some attention, but it wasn’t until after his premature death (he was only 37) that his work really became famous – by the mid 20th century Van Gogh was seen as one of the most recognizable and one of the greatest painters in history.

“Van Gogh,
How does it feel, in the afterlife, to be called “one of the greatest painters in history”? Wouldn’t you agree, it’s a bit ironic that you didn’t become a household name until after your tragic death? Your paintings and other art are now worth millions – people even try to sell forgeries of your work just to get a cut of the profit, as your work is now worth so much! There are whole exhibits in famous museums all around the world devoted just to you and your work. Quite shocking, isn’t it? What a shame that it took your death for your work to gain the attention and appreciation it so deserves!”

I’m not really sure where I would send it from, as really, you could probably send it from anywhere, but just for laughs (and to show how commercialized some of his works have become) I would make sure the postcard featured one of his paintings on the front (such as my favorite -”Starry Night”), which I’ve seen sold on racks in the gift shops of art museums!

As another part of this Bloggerstock deal, I wrote a post for EmDottie.  Since she posted what I wrote via her phone, all of the formatting seems to be lost… so hopefully you guys can stand reading a giant paragraph for now (hopefully she fixes it).  To summarize, I chose to write my postcard to a missionary I remember from when I was about 7 years old.  My Mom was a single parent at that time, my Dad wanted nothing to do with me and my sister, and this guy spent time with us and basically made sure we knew we weren’t worthless children.  It’s probably one of the most personal things I’ve written (for a bunch of strangers no doubt), and if you want to read it head over to EmDottie’s blog.

Who would you write your postcard to?

Maybe it’s because I have a crappy job, but I have slowly come to a revelation:

I hate engineering.

THERE! I SAID IT! Time to change the blog name, throw away the college diploma I spent almost 100k on, and give up on life.

I’m frustrated.  I’m in a rut.  Call it a quarter life crisis if you want, but I am extremely dissatisfied.  Let me say that again.

Extremely.

Dissatisfied.

Okay, let me rephrase. I don’t hate engineering.  The job I have now is hardly engineering – it is data processing.  But I’m not into mechanical things.  Engines and math don’t get me all hot and bothered. 

But logic?  Practical thinking?  Problem solving?  Creativity? Sign me up.  I can’t get enough.

FUN FACT: I also have a love of nature.  I can’t live anywhere unless I have a park or another naturey place I can get away to so that I can reflect and rejuvinate.   Without that place, I get stressed out.

Awhile ago, when I was looking at masters programs I might be interested in, landscape architecture came up.  They are the people who create anything from what you see on either side of the highway to places like Central Park.  They work to flawlessly integrate a landscape into a given environment.  They have to consider budgets, botany, and customers.  It consists of problem solving, creativity, practical thinking, logic, art, and nature. 

I chose not to go to grad school because my student loans were astronomical.  It was a good decision – I am making a bit of a dent (albeit a very small one) in how much I owe.  But at the same time, I feel like I’m missing out on something I would really love to do. 

As of this moment, I have almost completely made up my mind that I am going back.  There are still a lot of doubts floating around in the back of my head.  I still owe a lot of money, what if I don’t make enough to pay back my loans at the end, I am only adding more and more to an already huge amount, what if I can’t find a job, etc.  However, when it comes to decisions like this, I have always tried to do what’s right for me regardless of all of that “other” stuff.  In the back of my mind, I am always able to remember that I only get to live once.

It takes 3 years of full time schooling to receive a master of landscape architecture.  I am not sure if I would like to go full time or part time, but I will be going back.  Luckily for me, time is on my side.