NaBloPoMo/30 Days of Truth – Day 4 – Something I Have to Forgive Someone For

Nov 052010

Before I start, I’m just going to go ahead and throw out there that this blog is getting really depressing really fast.  Maybe I should have picked 30 happy questions instead.

Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for

My parents were married for about 6 years before they went their seperate ways.  My Mom kicked Dad out when I was in 1st or 2nd grade, and I didn’t have to hear the thump’s and the bang’s or see my mom escorted down the stairs by my dad because “she fell” anymore.  He had never once hit me or my sister, but my Mom was another story.

He did not yell or even seem surprised when he came home to find his things on the lawn.  I know because I was walking home from school and I ran into him as he was picking his things up off the lawn and putting them in his trunk.  I asked what was going on, and he calmly told me to just go inside.  He never said bye when he left that day, but that was just fine.  He has kept a respectable distance from my mother, and to this day I can appreciate that.

What I struggle with is forgiving him for throwing me and my sister out of his life as well. 

  • My Mom was determined to keep him in our lives, and she would drop us off regardless of whether or not he wanted us around.  He stood behind the car once to block her from leaving, but she pressed the gas and ran into him anyway. 
  • My sister and I got along well with Trista, his girlfriend, and I overheard him asking her, “How do you get them to like you so much?”  She responded, “Spend time with them, Mark!”.  He got up to make an effort and picked me up and swirled me around… and then put me down, walked into the other room, and said “That’s too much work”.
  • He never once called just to say, “Hi”.
  • My mom spoke to him on the phone once and lectured him on never being there for us kids.  All he had to say was, “Tell [my step-dad] to love them”.
  • I sent him an e-mail a few years ago.  I hoped that maybe some kind of relationship could build off of it.  He answered me once, and I wrote back a few days later.  No response from him.

I have mentioned these “Daddy issues” a few times here, and I really do hope that I am eventually able to just let it go.  I don’t think about it much and I don’t get too sad either, but I have yet to forgive which is why I still hold on to it.  Maybe the day he makes an effort at a relationship, I will be able to let this go and start over again. 

I have one other thing, too.

Freshman year of college, my friend Scott took me to Taco Bell despite my protests.  He forced me to smell it.  He forced me to look at it.  5 years later, I’m still bitter and bring it up sometimes.  It’s (mostly) just funny, buuuttttt until the day that I die, I will continue to bring it up just to give him a hard time :)

NaBloPoMo/30 Days of Truth – Day 3 – Something I Have to Forgive Myself For

Nov 042010

Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for

In high school, I was lucky enough to have not just one, but two best friends: Samantha and Donald.


From left to right: Sam, me, and Donald

Sam was treated like my best friend, but for some reason… even though I was still able to talk to Donald about anything and everything and he was an incredible friend to me, I treated him like dirt.  The joke would be that I was destroying his self esteem because we were going to build it up even stronger… but we just never got around to building it back up.  Obviously, we had a twisted sense of humor since that is a pretty shitty joke.

I was mean for no good reason (is there ever a good reason?).  I made fun of someone that I considered a best friend on a consistent basis and made him doubt everything about himself.  Then I up-and-left for college and never looked back.

You’ve seen him here at my blog.  He posts under the name of “Spanks” and he is even the one who asked “Will You Marry Me?” in my formspring box.  I’m lucky he’s still here for me since he was kicked around in the dirt for so long.  I am sure he will say “no big deal” and “I’m fine”, but that doesn’t make the guilt go away.

That time was years ago, and since then our friendship has morphed into one of support.  I am happy that he is still in my life in the role of someone very important to me.  However, I still can’t help but feel remorse for the hard time I gave him so many years ago.  I try not to dwell on the past much, but some days it hits me, and I can’t help but feel regret.

So, Donald, I’m sorry.  You are a great person, and I hope you realize how much you mean to me.  Thank you for being the bigger person.

NaBloPoMo/30 Days of Truth - Day 1 - Something I Hate About Myself

Nov 022010

For the month of November, I’ll be participating in NaBloPoMo (I know I did it before, but November is typically the “accepted” month for it).  To help me through it, I will complete a series of questions that has been making its rounds through personal blogs.  They go by the name “30 Days of Truth”.  Each day I’ll answer a different question, and the questions are as follows:

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11  Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12  Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13  A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17  A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21  (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? If you had to join the witness protection program, who would you become, where would you go, what would you do and why?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I changed question 21 because I thought it was stupid.  There is no possible way you could even comprehend being in that situation until you are standing in it, soaking in the guilt and the loss.  Instead, I replaced it with something fun.

I will answer one question a day, and should I feel the need to post something else in addition, I will do so.  But, by doing these questions, I have a writing prompt for every day this month.  Since there are 30 days in November and we’re already on the 2nd, one day you’ll get the magical treat of two questions being answered!!! Luckkkyyyyyyyy

Let’s get started!

Day 01 – Something You Hate About Yourself

When I was in high school, my Mom bought me some Ginko Biloba to help me with my memory.  I would forget to do assignments, constantly misplace items, and entire conversations would slip my mind.  We had hoped that the ginko biloba would help me with my memory problem.

Joke’s on us.  I kept forgetting to take it.

My short-term memory leaves much to be desired, and I struggle with it every day.  I will hold things in my hand to find them missing 20 seconds later.  I am always late for things because I continuously forget about appointments.  I go to the grocery store and forget why I went in the first place.  I forget conversations I had with people.  Occasionally, I forget the promises that I make.  I realize that everybody has their moments when they forget or misplace, but this is not “once in awhile” for me.  This is 6 or 7 times every day of my life.

I have done things to help myself with this problem.  I do my best to write everything down.  I play memory games hoping that I will help it: this includes going through the grocery store without referencing my shopping list to see what I can remember to buy and then comparing my items with the list before check-out.  I keep things in a specific place so I don’t have to worry about flipping over everything I own when in search of it later.  These tactics usually work.

Sometimes I do forget exactly what I did 1 minute after walking in my apartment so that I can find my keys.  Sometimes I forget that, in the middle of getting ready for work in the morning, I walked back into my bedroom to grab something and left my phone there.  Then I tear apart every room searching for my phone except for the bedroom because I have no reason to believe that it’s there.

Usually I take it in stride because, as I’ve said, I’ve lived with it for years and have more-or-less gotten used to it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my breakdowns.   Some days, I just can’t take the frustration.  I have been reduced to tears over food I forgot I was cooking and crucial things I never did.

Typically, I am the most optimistic person you will ever meet.  I am filled to the brim with rainbows and sunshine.

…But only when I remember.

Why You Can Read My Blog, but Still Not Know Anything About My Life

Sep 062010

Occassionally people will ask me why I don’t write about specific situations in my life.  Why am I not blogging more about the newly awkward relationship I have with Dan?  Why am I not discussing my thoughts on my sister is getting married?  Why have I not focused more on some of the friendships I have made here in the Twin Cities since moving?

Why, oh why, is this blog about ME?  I am sure you get bored of my narcissism.  It’s always “me” this and “me” that and “I did this” and “I hate that” and whine whine bitch whine whine.  And of course my response to that is always “because it’s my blog, so if you are tired of me then stop reading it”.  DUH.

But I do understand the point.  All of those things have a direct effect on me.  I have thoughts about them, and I am being directly impacted every single day.  They are the things that are swirling around me and making me feel uncomfortable, scared, happy, comforted, confused, and alone all at one time.  They are the things making me who I will be 5, 10, or 50 years from now.  They are the people that are comforting me and listening to me.  And yet I don’t discuss them.  And I am sure a few of your regular readers have noticed I will breach a topic only to never bring it up again.  Ever.

So why the silence on these things?  Because I would rather keep these things to myself than to receive angry phone calls, emails, and texts.  In case you didn’t notice the trend, all of the aforementioned topics involve someone else.  I had a blog when I was about 12 years old and a few of my friends in school read it (without me knowing).  Next thing I know, they are all mad at me for talking about them.  And, since this blog is proudly displayed on my facebook page, I choose not to allow that to happen again.  It sucked learning the hard way, but at least I learned.

It is hard sometimes, though.  There are a lot of things I want to talk about, but unfortunately I can’t do it here.  Some things are too hurtful to others… and other things are too fragile to bring up right now.  It is a strange situation to be in, but I think that keeping a few things to myself is the best (and safest) way to go.

Like I said… it sucks learning the hard way, but it usually ends up being a lesson you never forget.

September's Goals

Sep 022010

On December 31st, I declared my New Years Resolution:  Make monthly resolutions.

I went to bed last night thinking there was something I was forgetting to do.  My resolutions!  DUH!!

Soooo August’s goal was deceiptively simple.  Figure stuff out.

Unfortunately, I’m not able to say whether or not I succeeded.  And admittedly, this goal was probably really stupid because there was no way I could come out of the month saying I accomplished it.  At the time, I was having this huge internal struggle regarding what to do with my relationship with Dan.  I made my decision, and while I suppose that means I technically “figured stuff out”, I don’t really have a game plan.  Nothing is really figured out.  I am sitting in an apartment lobby with a few strangers eating oreos and writing in my blog.  Not so exciting.  And to say I achieved this goal implies (to me) that it’s all set in stone and life may commence.  To fail at this goal implies I made no progress toward getting what I want (whatever that is) and am sitting stagnant.  And so, dear readers, I will not be claiming victory or defeat.  But things are good with me and I am happy :)

Regarding September’s goals, here is what I have planned

1) Read 2 books – I am totally stupid for making this goal, but whatever.  I am going to the Philippines this month (have I mentioned that yet?) and that means LOTS of plane time.  If I can’t finish at least one book, I give up on life.

2) Make at least 1 video blog – I enjoyed making my video blog when I was in Peru earlier this month.  Ideally, I think it would be cool to make 1 video blog a day while on vacation to show you a little of the country I am in, but I think that’s a pretty hefty goal.  ESPECIALLY when I have no way of knowing how reliable my internet connection will be.  So at least 1 would be perfect :)

3) Stop multitasking so much – I watched a movie tonight.  Not “surfed the web and watched a movie”.  Not “wrote up a blog post and watched a movie”.  Not “cooked and watched a movie”.  I just watched a movie.  It was glorious.  It was also probably the first time I have done that in years.

4) Wash my face every night before bed – I am awful at this, and I really need to get better at it.  So a goal it shall be.

5) Write a blog post more than once a week – I enjoy my attempt at trying to make things interesting that really aren’t interesting at all.  Like when I went to the self-serve gas station.  Or stupid things that happen at work.  More uninteresting blog posts, here I come!

6) Have a great birthday – I might be spending my birthday this year alone.  I tried to arrange a trip to Wicked with some girlfriends, but that didn’t really work out.  I am accepting that this year maybe my birthday won’t be the special day it typically is where I am showered in gifts and love… and instead I have to just kind of chill by myself with a positive attitude… and that’s okay.  23, I’m ready for you.

And that, my friends, is all I have.  Happy September!

My New Apartment!

Aug 172010

Dan and I were going to begin moving into a new apartment on the 15th, but our breakup means that I will be living in the apartment solo (if you don’t count Lucy and Prandtl).  I’m really excited about decorating it however I want, and I have a lot of decorating ideas!  It is a relatively small apartment, but I think it will do.  Prandtl might get a little frustrated about the lack of running space, but (as I will show you) we have a pretty big “backyard” to work with.

Anyway, some of my friends were wondering what the new place looks like, and I thought Gee… what better place to share my apartment than on my blog? So I took Prandtl with me to check the place out and take a few photos:

View just after coming in the front door:

View the opposite way (looking at the front door from across the apartment)

The kitchen… I LOVE IT:

However…. the washer and dryer is in a closet next to the fridge. Weird placement. I don’t know how I feel about it:

There is a HUGE bathroom with tons of extra space. This photo does it no justice!

Not really a great picture of the bedroom, but it was the only one I took for some reason.

Prandtl’s favorite thing to do!  She can’t creep out of the windows at our current apartment.  The windows at my current place are too high and they face a brick wall.

I asked Prandtl how she felt about the place… and she approves :)

This is in the lobby! WHAT UP FREE COFFEE?!!!?!

The view out of my windows!! It is WAY better than a brick wall!

This is basically my backyard :) I am gonna love living right next to the river!!

I can’t wait to get settled here!  I basically will have two apartments until the end of the month.. so I have about two weeks to move everything from my current apartment to my new one.  I plan on painting for a few days.. and then I’ll start moving things over and getting situated.

Did I mention that I am SO EXCITED?!?!!!

> Insert Really Depressing Title Here <

Aug 132010

Now that my blog has become the most depressing space on the interweb, I find it appropriate to keep going with these little updates about how things are going for me emotionally.  Afterall – it’s not like this can get any more depressing than it already is.

As I’ve said many times before, writing is how I deal with doubts, insecurities, and thoughts I can’t seem to let go of.  Admittedly, I suppose I am being a bit of a drama queen about this whole thing.  It’s not like we had a house, four kids, two dogs, and a life together.  We had an apartment, one dog, and a big screen tv.**  But this whole thing still sucks (for the lack of a better word).  This morning I found myself forgetting why we broke up in the first place.  Then I spent the rest of the day moping around, second guessing, and suffering from thoughts in my head that couldn’t sit still and give me a moment of silence.

And then, when I was venting to my friend Joe, he found it appropriate to say, “I totally thought you guys were going to get married”.  WHOA… GEE… THANKS…  I always appreciate it when someone cuts me right across the chest with a jagged and rusty blade, runs out to buy the biggest package of salt available at Sams Club, empties all of the salt into my fresh wound, and then rubs it in there so that not a bit of it is wasted — it is forced into the cut in a way that allows  every individual granule to cause me an awful, resonating pain.  Next time maybe he can grab some lemon juice to spray directly into my eyes, too.  REAL COOL, BRO.

I also forgot to mention that I was given a $4000 Vera Wang wedding dress the day after breaking up.  No joke.  It was 100% free and is hanging in my closet right now.  Of course the women who gave it to me had no idea that less than 24 hours ago I had broken up with a guy I once talked about marriage with… or that it doesn’t fit and I will need to lose about 5 lbs before I can zip it (not only could I feel lonely… I got to feel fat too!)… and they couldn’t possibly know that I would try it on as soon as I got home and tear up over how pretty it was and my lack of places to wear it.  They were actually really sweet when I told them what happened, and they are totally cool with me selling it.  But I just thought the timing was incredible.  Seriously.  Who does that happen to?

I am handling this well.  I really am.

I started doing Yoga, and while it has been strenuous for me physically, I have found it soothing emotionally.  My friends like to joke about the silly things they say (ex. “breathe out the impurities”), but I typically find myself trying to follow the instruction that they give.  I do my best to inhale the best I have to offer and to exhale the things that keep me from being happy.  In the last week and a half, I have been able to focus entire on me.  It is no longer “What’s best for us?”  Now it is “What do I want to do?”

When I was at dinner with a friend on Wednesday, we started to talk about the movie Eat, Pray, Love.  I mentioned how I kind of wanted to go on a solo vacation, and she excitedly proclaimed, “I did that once and it was fantastic!”  Apparently she went to Hawaii with a stack of books and spent an entire week there.  She went to the beach every day and didn’t have to ask anybody else for their opinion.  It was weird, she said, but a great experience.  “No matter where you end up going, you will learn a lot about yourself.”  Suddenly Take a vacation by myself is on my bucket list.

Hmm…

Well anyway, after rereading the beginning of what I have written here, I think I should mention that I am really not an emotional wreck.  The fourth paragraph (about the wedding dress) was written because… lets be honest… who does that happen to?  It is kind of sad, but at the same time very funny to me.  The 3rd paragraph was written because my friends have the best intentions, but they say silly things sometimes.  Also… I am pretty sure Joe reads this so he might appreciate a shout-out about how insensitive he sometimes is (and one of my favorite things to do is give him a hard time).  The 2nd paragraph is honest to what I’m feeling.  I’m not depressed and I’d like to think that those thoughts come with any breakup.

So, in case anyone was worried, my sense of humor is still intact and I am still the happy-go-lucky person I have always been :-)

Besides all of that, I have a wedding to attend tomorrow.  I thought about wearing my new wedding dress to it, but I heard that wearing white to a wedding is rude.  Maybe a birthday party is coming up.

**In case anyone was wondering, Dan and I are going to move out of our shared apartment and into separate places beginning on Sunday.  I get the television and the dog.  He gets the desk that I spilled ink all over.  I definitely won in the “who gets what” game.

Leap of Faith

Aug 082010

I jumped off of a 25 foot pole yesterday…  and I lived to blog about it!

As a part of Big Brothers Big Sisters, sometimes we get to take part in events that allow us to do fun things with our “Littles”.  Yesterday’s event was called “Leap of Faith”, and it was this massive pole stuck into the ground in the middle of the woods.  There was a structurally questionable ladder going up about 1/4 of the way, and then the rest of the climb were these small pieces of wood nailed to the pole.  We were instructed to climb as high as we could and then fall or jump off of it.  Our teammates would lower us to the ground safely.

I was fourth to climb, and as I watched the first, second, and third climbers jump off, I thought this whole thing looked easy.  Or at least I did until it was my turn…

Before I knew it, I was standing in front of a massive wooden pole getting all of these ropes attached to me (so I wouldn’t fall to my doom).  I had a lot of butterflies.

Then I was climbing… and I was climbing… and getting higher and higher… and I looked up and I still had a pretty far way to go until I was at the top.

Then I was at the top looking down feeling like I was miles from the ground.

Then I wanted to push myself, and I tried to stand up on top of the 1 foot in diameter pole

Then I stood on top of the pole and felt how shaky the whole setup was.  I almost fell.

Then, to push myself a little bit more, I chose to turn around on the top of it rather than just go off of it backwards.

Then I slowly turned around on top of it (of course I looked down the whole time) and almost fell 5 more times.

And finally… I took a few more deep breaths and another look around me… and I jumped.

————————————————————-

After all was said and done, our instructor had us all stand in a circle and say out loud what we learned from our experience.  Mine was:

“I can take a leap of faith… and be okay”


While I have been handling the breakup well, to say I haven’t had second thoughts would be a lie.  It’s hard to break up with someone when nobody has really done anything wrong.  But the timing of this event… and how relevant it was… and the kind of symbolism it held…

Everything is going to be just fine.

Ouch

Aug 052010

On Tuesday night, Dan and I broke up.

There was no cheating.  No unhappy feelings.  No not-getting-along. From the outside looking in, we had a great relationship.  Hell, even from the inside we had a great relationship.  But something was missing, and I never could quite put my finger on it.

I brought up my thoughts on our relationship, and he agreed.  Something really was missing.  He was able to put it in words better than I could.

“When we both lived in Michigan, we were both unhappy because we were just starting out and not quite doing what we want to do.  Moving to Minnesota has helped me find my happiness here through my research and the things that I do, but you haven’t found yours yet.  I needed support to reach the place I am at now, and you were there for me every step of the way.  Unfortunately for us, what you need is space — and I am willing to give that to you.”

I am not one to say that our 2 year and 4 month relationship was a waste.  I take everything as a learning opportunity because, no matter what I am doing, I am learning about myself in one way or another.  And I learned a lot with Dan.  He pushed me to be a better person and supported me no matter what I was doing. 

But there are only so many things you can learn in a relationship.  At some point, you need to take a step out of your comfort zone and learn to live on your own.  Since starting college, I was a “serial monogomist” and went from one serious relationship to the next in a matter of weeks.  And lately, with all of this talk of marriage and forever, I don’t think I’ll really be ready until I get the chance to try this out.

I’m not going to go into every facet of the breakup here, but to put it plainly… I am very sad. 

I am sure that I will be for a very long time.

For the last week, I have been listening to two songs over and over again.  I respond to music.  If any of you are having trouble with something in your life, maybe these songs can give you some much needed strength as well.

Insert Stupid Financial Decision Here

Jul 282010

Maybe it’s because I have a crappy job, but I have slowly come to a revelation:

I hate engineering.

THERE! I SAID IT! Time to change the blog name, throw away the college diploma I spent almost 100k on, and give up on life.

I’m frustrated.  I’m in a rut.  Call it a quarter life crisis if you want, but I am extremely dissatisfied.  Let me say that again.

Extremely.

Dissatisfied.

Okay, let me rephrase. I don’t hate engineering.  The job I have now is hardly engineering – it is data processing.  But I’m not into mechanical things.  Engines and math don’t get me all hot and bothered. 

But logic?  Practical thinking?  Problem solving?  Creativity? Sign me up.  I can’t get enough.

FUN FACT: I also have a love of nature.  I can’t live anywhere unless I have a park or another naturey place I can get away to so that I can reflect and rejuvinate.   Without that place, I get stressed out.

Awhile ago, when I was looking at masters programs I might be interested in, landscape architecture came up.  They are the people who create anything from what you see on either side of the highway to places like Central Park.  They work to flawlessly integrate a landscape into a given environment.  They have to consider budgets, botany, and customers.  It consists of problem solving, creativity, practical thinking, logic, art, and nature. 

I chose not to go to grad school because my student loans were astronomical.  It was a good decision – I am making a bit of a dent (albeit a very small one) in how much I owe.  But at the same time, I feel like I’m missing out on something I would really love to do. 

As of this moment, I have almost completely made up my mind that I am going back.  There are still a lot of doubts floating around in the back of my head.  I still owe a lot of money, what if I don’t make enough to pay back my loans at the end, I am only adding more and more to an already huge amount, what if I can’t find a job, etc.  However, when it comes to decisions like this, I have always tried to do what’s right for me regardless of all of that “other” stuff.  In the back of my mind, I am always able to remember that I only get to live once.

It takes 3 years of full time schooling to receive a master of landscape architecture.  I am not sure if I would like to go full time or part time, but I will be going back.  Luckily for me, time is on my side.

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