[via buttersafe]
Sigh.
Jan 312011
The day I looked around and realized I was the only woman in my freshman-level introductory engineering course, I knew I was stepping into a world of men. It was evident I would be one of the few women in the field (and school in general), but I didn’t really stop to think how that would effect me when it came to my ability to relate with others. Today I find myself very naturally fitting in with the guys, but completely incapable of creating friendships with women.
Admittedly, it is kind of nice. Perhaps I’m bias after 5 years of “guy time”, but I’m drawn to the fun-loving and goofy attitudes of men. I appreciate their tendency to move toward on-the-surface conversation because I am someone who doesn’t like to share much about herself in casual conversation. And, should I ever feel like sharing, men really aren’t bad listeners. They tend to base decisions on logic rather than emotion, so their opinions are worthwhile to hear (so long as I don’t mind a jab at my feelings once in awhile). Not to mention they can open jars and move heavy things — a Godsend for a scrawny lady like myself.
Unfortunately, the good also must come with the bad. Sometimes A lot of the time, lunch conversation is a discussion over WHICH ACTION MOVIE IS THE BEST ACTION MOVIE EVER?!!? while I sit quietly poking at my food with my fork. Car talk is also a snooze-fest for me. I also have a tendency to be over-emotional at times (thanks, lady parts) and while it’s kind of funny watching them figure out how best to approach me in fear of setting me over the edge, it also can make me very angry for a reason I’m not really sure of.
And then there are days like today. Days when I am shown a piece of paper with a penis faintly drawn on it… or they are openly and gleefully playing fart audio loudly on their computers nearby… or I open my inbox and discover a forward all about anal leakage…
… these are the days I realize I should never forget what I got myself into. They might try to class it up once in awhile for the lady, but deep down men are still pretty gross.
I don’t think I would have it any other way.
Before I start, I’m just going to go ahead and throw out there that this blog is getting really depressing really fast. Maybe I should have picked 30 happy questions instead.
Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for
My parents were married for about 6 years before they went their seperate ways. My Mom kicked Dad out when I was in 1st or 2nd grade, and I didn’t have to hear the thump’s and the bang’s or see my mom escorted down the stairs by my dad because “she fell” anymore. He had never once hit me or my sister, but my Mom was another story.
He did not yell or even seem surprised when he came home to find his things on the lawn. I know because I was walking home from school and I ran into him as he was picking his things up off the lawn and putting them in his trunk. I asked what was going on, and he calmly told me to just go inside. He never said bye when he left that day, but that was just fine. He has kept a respectable distance from my mother, and to this day I can appreciate that.
What I struggle with is forgiving him for throwing me and my sister out of his life as well.
- My Mom was determined to keep him in our lives, and she would drop us off regardless of whether or not he wanted us around. He stood behind the car once to block her from leaving, but she pressed the gas and ran into him anyway.
- My sister and I got along well with Trista, his girlfriend, and I overheard him asking her, “How do you get them to like you so much?” She responded, “Spend time with them, Mark!”. He got up to make an effort and picked me up and swirled me around… and then put me down, walked into the other room, and said “That’s too much work”.
- He never once called just to say, “Hi”.
- My mom spoke to him on the phone once and lectured him on never being there for us kids. All he had to say was, “Tell [my step-dad] to love them”.
- I sent him an e-mail a few years ago. I hoped that maybe some kind of relationship could build off of it. He answered me once, and I wrote back a few days later. No response from him.
I have mentioned these “Daddy issues” a few times here, and I really do hope that I am eventually able to just let it go. I don’t think about it much and I don’t get too sad either, but I have yet to forgive which is why I still hold on to it. Maybe the day he makes an effort at a relationship, I will be able to let this go and start over again.
I have one other thing, too.
Freshman year of college, my friend Scott took me to Taco Bell despite my protests. He forced me to smell it. He forced me to look at it. 5 years later, I’m still bitter and bring it up sometimes. It’s (mostly) just funny, buuuttttt until the day that I die, I will continue to bring it up just to give him a hard time 
For the month of November, I’ll be participating in NaBloPoMo (I know I did it before, but November is typically the “accepted” month for it). To help me through it, I will complete a series of questions that has been making its rounds through personal blogs. They go by the name “30 Days of Truth”. Each day I’ll answer a different question, and the questions are as follows:
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? If you had to join the witness protection program, who would you become, where would you go, what would you do and why?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
I changed question 21 because I thought it was stupid. There is no possible way you could even comprehend being in that situation until you are standing in it, soaking in the guilt and the loss. Instead, I replaced it with something fun.
I will answer one question a day, and should I feel the need to post something else in addition, I will do so. But, by doing these questions, I have a writing prompt for every day this month. Since there are 30 days in November and we’re already on the 2nd, one day you’ll get the magical treat of two questions being answered!!! Luckkkyyyyyyyy
Let’s get started!
Day 01 – Something You Hate About Yourself
When I was in high school, my Mom bought me some Ginko Biloba to help me with my memory. I would forget to do assignments, constantly misplace items, and entire conversations would slip my mind. We had hoped that the ginko biloba would help me with my memory problem.
Joke’s on us. I kept forgetting to take it.
My short-term memory leaves much to be desired, and I struggle with it every day. I will hold things in my hand to find them missing 20 seconds later. I am always late for things because I continuously forget about appointments. I go to the grocery store and forget why I went in the first place. I forget conversations I had with people. Occasionally, I forget the promises that I make. I realize that everybody has their moments when they forget or misplace, but this is not “once in awhile” for me. This is 6 or 7 times every day of my life.
I have done things to help myself with this problem. I do my best to write everything down. I play memory games hoping that I will help it: this includes going through the grocery store without referencing my shopping list to see what I can remember to buy and then comparing my items with the list before check-out. I keep things in a specific place so I don’t have to worry about flipping over everything I own when in search of it later. These tactics usually work.
Sometimes I do forget exactly what I did 1 minute after walking in my apartment so that I can find my keys. Sometimes I forget that, in the middle of getting ready for work in the morning, I walked back into my bedroom to grab something and left my phone there. Then I tear apart every room searching for my phone except for the bedroom because I have no reason to believe that it’s there.
Usually I take it in stride because, as I’ve said, I’ve lived with it for years and have more-or-less gotten used to it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my breakdowns. Some days, I just can’t take the frustration. I have been reduced to tears over food I forgot I was cooking and crucial things I never did.
Typically, I am the most optimistic person you will ever meet. I am filled to the brim with rainbows and sunshine.
…But only when I remember.
Occassionally people will ask me why I don’t write about specific situations in my life. Why am I not blogging more about the newly awkward relationship I have with Dan? Why am I not discussing my thoughts on my sister is getting married? Why have I not focused more on some of the friendships I have made here in the Twin Cities since moving?
Why, oh why, is this blog about ME? I am sure you get bored of my narcissism. It’s always “me” this and “me” that and “I did this” and “I hate that” and whine whine bitch whine whine. And of course my response to that is always “because it’s my blog, so if you are tired of me then stop reading it”. DUH.
But I do understand the point. All of those things have a direct effect on me. I have thoughts about them, and I am being directly impacted every single day. They are the things that are swirling around me and making me feel uncomfortable, scared, happy, comforted, confused, and alone all at one time. They are the things making me who I will be 5, 10, or 50 years from now. They are the people that are comforting me and listening to me. And yet I don’t discuss them. And I am sure a few of your regular readers have noticed I will breach a topic only to never bring it up again. Ever.
So why the silence on these things? Because I would rather keep these things to myself than to receive angry phone calls, emails, and texts. In case you didn’t notice the trend, all of the aforementioned topics involve someone else. I had a blog when I was about 12 years old and a few of my friends in school read it (without me knowing). Next thing I know, they are all mad at me for talking about them. And, since this blog is proudly displayed on my facebook page, I choose not to allow that to happen again. It sucked learning the hard way, but at least I learned.
It is hard sometimes, though. There are a lot of things I want to talk about, but unfortunately I can’t do it here. Some things are too hurtful to others… and other things are too fragile to bring up right now. It is a strange situation to be in, but I think that keeping a few things to myself is the best (and safest) way to go.
Like I said… it sucks learning the hard way, but it usually ends up being a lesson you never forget.
For the last 3 days, my life has been packing, unpacking, packing some more, unpacking, trying to find counterspace amidst all of the junk I piled up, unpacking, yelling at people for getting the white couch dirty, packing, unpacking more, etc.
And then… it happened.
ACCCHHHOOOOO!
And do you know what that means? It means it’s the worst part of my year. IT’S ALLERGY SEASON.
UUUUGGGGGHGHHHHHHHHHLSDKFHWOEIRW;FHNVSDL;D9PRTUF
I seriously hate this time of year. I even hate it more than spring. It’s too bad too since my birthday is coming up (I turn the big 2-3 on September 7th). I whine and I complain every year to anyone that will listen… and in no way does that imply that they WANT to listen… but I’ve never actually gotten tested to find out exactly what I’m allergic to. People always ask. I never have an answer. Perhaps I should start making things up?
But, you know… I never saw the point in finding out exactly what is bothering me. It comes up every year around the same time, so it has to be something nature-y. If it’s nature-y, it’s going to get all up in my business no matter what I do. It is totally unavoidable. I suppose I could move to a place where whatever I’m allergic to doesn’t exist, but I like where I live right now and I don’t want to move.
I also hate taking drugs to handle my allergies. Even the “non-groggy” stuff makes me groggy. I have actually taken a few allergy medicines in the past that didn’t cause me to become groggy and angry, but apparently those side effects don’t exist because the medication just doesn’t work. My unhappiness continues.
My eyes itch right now.
I used to think it was the Lilac tree in my parents’ backyard that got me. Around this time of year it would be blooming and the smell of lilacs would be EVERYWHERE. Every time I took a step out the back door, the smell was overpowering. Eventually the tree came down and I cheered with joy thinking that I wouldn’t suffer from the crappy allergies in the fall, but… wouldn’t you know it… the allergies continued. And even though my allergies aren’t caused my lilac trees, I still have a very negative association with the smell. I can’t stand the lilac scent to this very day because, deep down inside of me, I still blame lilacs for my allergies. I know it’s stupid, but I just can’t shake that “I hate lilacs” feeling. There’s a random fun-fact for you.
I don’t really know where I was going with this. I think I just wanted to complain.
Aug 132010
Now that my blog has become the most depressing space on the interweb, I find it appropriate to keep going with these little updates about how things are going for me emotionally. Afterall – it’s not like this can get any more depressing than it already is.
As I’ve said many times before, writing is how I deal with doubts, insecurities, and thoughts I can’t seem to let go of. Admittedly, I suppose I am being a bit of a drama queen about this whole thing. It’s not like we had a house, four kids, two dogs, and a life together. We had an apartment, one dog, and a big screen tv.** But this whole thing still sucks (for the lack of a better word). This morning I found myself forgetting why we broke up in the first place. Then I spent the rest of the day moping around, second guessing, and suffering from thoughts in my head that couldn’t sit still and give me a moment of silence.
And then, when I was venting to my friend Joe, he found it appropriate to say, “I totally thought you guys were going to get married”. WHOA… GEE… THANKS… I always appreciate it when someone cuts me right across the chest with a jagged and rusty blade, runs out to buy the biggest package of salt available at Sams Club, empties all of the salt into my fresh wound, and then rubs it in there so that not a bit of it is wasted — it is forced into the cut in a way that allows every individual granule to cause me an awful, resonating pain. Next time maybe he can grab some lemon juice to spray directly into my eyes, too. REAL COOL, BRO.
I also forgot to mention that I was given a $4000 Vera Wang wedding dress the day after breaking up. No joke. It was 100% free and is hanging in my closet right now. Of course the women who gave it to me had no idea that less than 24 hours ago I had broken up with a guy I once talked about marriage with… or that it doesn’t fit and I will need to lose about 5 lbs before I can zip it (not only could I feel lonely… I got to feel fat too!)… and they couldn’t possibly know that I would try it on as soon as I got home and tear up over how pretty it was and my lack of places to wear it. They were actually really sweet when I told them what happened, and they are totally cool with me selling it. But I just thought the timing was incredible. Seriously. Who does that happen to?
I am handling this well. I really am.
I started doing Yoga, and while it has been strenuous for me physically, I have found it soothing emotionally. My friends like to joke about the silly things they say (ex. “breathe out the impurities”), but I typically find myself trying to follow the instruction that they give. I do my best to inhale the best I have to offer and to exhale the things that keep me from being happy. In the last week and a half, I have been able to focus entire on me. It is no longer “What’s best for us?” Now it is “What do I want to do?”
When I was at dinner with a friend on Wednesday, we started to talk about the movie Eat, Pray, Love. I mentioned how I kind of wanted to go on a solo vacation, and she excitedly proclaimed, “I did that once and it was fantastic!” Apparently she went to Hawaii with a stack of books and spent an entire week there. She went to the beach every day and didn’t have to ask anybody else for their opinion. It was weird, she said, but a great experience. “No matter where you end up going, you will learn a lot about yourself.” Suddenly Take a vacation by myself is on my bucket list.
Hmm…
Well anyway, after rereading the beginning of what I have written here, I think I should mention that I am really not an emotional wreck. The fourth paragraph (about the wedding dress) was written because… lets be honest… who does that happen to? It is kind of sad, but at the same time very funny to me. The 3rd paragraph was written because my friends have the best intentions, but they say silly things sometimes. Also… I am pretty sure Joe reads this so he might appreciate a shout-out about how insensitive he sometimes is (and one of my favorite things to do is give him a hard time). The 2nd paragraph is honest to what I’m feeling. I’m not depressed and I’d like to think that those thoughts come with any breakup.
So, in case anyone was worried, my sense of humor is still intact and I am still the happy-go-lucky person I have always been
Besides all of that, I have a wedding to attend tomorrow. I thought about wearing my new wedding dress to it, but I heard that wearing white to a wedding is rude. Maybe a birthday party is coming up.
**In case anyone was wondering, Dan and I are going to move out of our shared apartment and into separate places beginning on Sunday. I get the television and the dog. He gets the desk that I spilled ink all over. I definitely won in the “who gets what” game.
Jun 032010
Every Friday is casual Friday, where we get to shed our typical “business casual” duds and put some jeans on. Typically people will wear the same type of business casual shirt and match it with denim, but some people choose to wear South Park t-shirts, baseball hats, and hawaiian shirts.
A few weeks ago, on a Friday toward the end of the work day when everyone was getting kind of squirrely and in the midst of a break down following the 38 hours of staring at a computer that week, some guys were giggling over something. I sat and listened, thinking that maybe they were having fun talking about gas powered blenders again, but I slowly moved my head to see what they were all looking at when I spotted it…
And I had only one thing to say.
“… Really?”
And this sent them into a fit of giggles.
At first, I thought I had spotted a man wearing the periodic table on his shirt, but I was wrong. You see, my eyes aren’t that great and I have glasses but don’t typically wear them. So instead, a picture of the shirt was googled and then e-mailed to me.
I smiled, but I didn’t laugh. They were appalled by my lack of amusement.
And would you believe that the guy wearing the Chucknorium shirt was heralded while I, someone that could appreciate the shirt but didn’t think it was the best thing ever, was heckled? Something is a little backward here.
They told me that the joke would have to grow on me. “You know” said the man wearing the shirt, “I guess I didn’t really think it was all that funny the first time I saw it either. But then, a few days later when I was driving in my car, it hit me. And it was the awesomest thing ever. And then I went home and bought this shirt.”
Something tells me that I won’t be purchasing the shirt.
Apr 282010
Because all of my work is done with the assistance of mighty online databases and the power of excel, I listen to music on my headphones all day. And I don’t mean “every once in awhile when my boss is away”. I mean ALL. DAY. And I never thought I would tire of music until about a month ago when my ears would never stop hurting and I had heard every song in the universe.
I tried books on tape for awhile as well. Turns out I can’t follow an intricate story while copying and pasting. It’s harder than it sounds… I guess… since I couldn’t pull it off. Or maybe I lack the mental capacity. Or maybe it was because I was so enthralled in the story that I couldn’t remember what I was doing at any given moment. Apparently “just clicking things” isn’t the best way to roll. Especially when your short term memory is as sad and sorry as mine.
My vision is blurring by staring at a computer all day. I know that breaks are the way to go, but I have been here for almost 6 months and over that amount of time, while breaks are helpful, damage will still be done. My fingers hurt from the mouse and the keyboard. My plant is dying from the lack of windows. I love my coworkers, but I love my boyfriend and cat and dog more, and I would rather be with them. Or I guess I could settle to see my friend The Sun once in awhile. At least my plant would be a little happier.
When I first started here, I was doing well at still looking for other employment opportunities. Unfortunately not much else was out there and, over time, I have completely stopped looking for other jobs. But today… today I felt a renewed sense of urgency. I had just finished watching the first half of Dead Poets Society. I went over to chat with a friend, and I looked through the music he had brought with him on his netbook. I saw he owned Jock Jams. I came back to my desk, got on youtube, and played some of the Jock Jams music in hopes it would renew my will to live. And then, as I listened to the writhing beats and nasaly voice as it sung “Yo, pump the jam, pump it up”… I thought to myself…
I… NEED…. TO…. GET… OUT…
