NaBloPoMo/30 Days of Truth - Day 1 - Something I Hate About Myself

Nov 022010

For the month of November, I’ll be participating in NaBloPoMo (I know I did it before, but November is typically the “accepted” month for it).  To help me through it, I will complete a series of questions that has been making its rounds through personal blogs.  They go by the name “30 Days of Truth”.  Each day I’ll answer a different question, and the questions are as follows:

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11  Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12  Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13  A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17  A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21  (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? If you had to join the witness protection program, who would you become, where would you go, what would you do and why?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I changed question 21 because I thought it was stupid.  There is no possible way you could even comprehend being in that situation until you are standing in it, soaking in the guilt and the loss.  Instead, I replaced it with something fun.

I will answer one question a day, and should I feel the need to post something else in addition, I will do so.  But, by doing these questions, I have a writing prompt for every day this month.  Since there are 30 days in November and we’re already on the 2nd, one day you’ll get the magical treat of two questions being answered!!! Luckkkyyyyyyyy

Let’s get started!

Day 01 – Something You Hate About Yourself

When I was in high school, my Mom bought me some Ginko Biloba to help me with my memory.  I would forget to do assignments, constantly misplace items, and entire conversations would slip my mind.  We had hoped that the ginko biloba would help me with my memory problem.

Joke’s on us.  I kept forgetting to take it.

My short-term memory leaves much to be desired, and I struggle with it every day.  I will hold things in my hand to find them missing 20 seconds later.  I am always late for things because I continuously forget about appointments.  I go to the grocery store and forget why I went in the first place.  I forget conversations I had with people.  Occasionally, I forget the promises that I make.  I realize that everybody has their moments when they forget or misplace, but this is not “once in awhile” for me.  This is 6 or 7 times every day of my life.

I have done things to help myself with this problem.  I do my best to write everything down.  I play memory games hoping that I will help it: this includes going through the grocery store without referencing my shopping list to see what I can remember to buy and then comparing my items with the list before check-out.  I keep things in a specific place so I don’t have to worry about flipping over everything I own when in search of it later.  These tactics usually work.

Sometimes I do forget exactly what I did 1 minute after walking in my apartment so that I can find my keys.  Sometimes I forget that, in the middle of getting ready for work in the morning, I walked back into my bedroom to grab something and left my phone there.  Then I tear apart every room searching for my phone except for the bedroom because I have no reason to believe that it’s there.

Usually I take it in stride because, as I’ve said, I’ve lived with it for years and have more-or-less gotten used to it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my breakdowns.   Some days, I just can’t take the frustration.  I have been reduced to tears over food I forgot I was cooking and crucial things I never did.

Typically, I am the most optimistic person you will ever meet.  I am filled to the brim with rainbows and sunshine.

…But only when I remember.

> Insert Really Depressing Title Here <

Aug 132010

Now that my blog has become the most depressing space on the interweb, I find it appropriate to keep going with these little updates about how things are going for me emotionally.  Afterall – it’s not like this can get any more depressing than it already is.

As I’ve said many times before, writing is how I deal with doubts, insecurities, and thoughts I can’t seem to let go of.  Admittedly, I suppose I am being a bit of a drama queen about this whole thing.  It’s not like we had a house, four kids, two dogs, and a life together.  We had an apartment, one dog, and a big screen tv.**  But this whole thing still sucks (for the lack of a better word).  This morning I found myself forgetting why we broke up in the first place.  Then I spent the rest of the day moping around, second guessing, and suffering from thoughts in my head that couldn’t sit still and give me a moment of silence.

And then, when I was venting to my friend Joe, he found it appropriate to say, “I totally thought you guys were going to get married”.  WHOA… GEE… THANKS…  I always appreciate it when someone cuts me right across the chest with a jagged and rusty blade, runs out to buy the biggest package of salt available at Sams Club, empties all of the salt into my fresh wound, and then rubs it in there so that not a bit of it is wasted — it is forced into the cut in a way that allows  every individual granule to cause me an awful, resonating pain.  Next time maybe he can grab some lemon juice to spray directly into my eyes, too.  REAL COOL, BRO.

I also forgot to mention that I was given a $4000 Vera Wang wedding dress the day after breaking up.  No joke.  It was 100% free and is hanging in my closet right now.  Of course the women who gave it to me had no idea that less than 24 hours ago I had broken up with a guy I once talked about marriage with… or that it doesn’t fit and I will need to lose about 5 lbs before I can zip it (not only could I feel lonely… I got to feel fat too!)… and they couldn’t possibly know that I would try it on as soon as I got home and tear up over how pretty it was and my lack of places to wear it.  They were actually really sweet when I told them what happened, and they are totally cool with me selling it.  But I just thought the timing was incredible.  Seriously.  Who does that happen to?

I am handling this well.  I really am.

I started doing Yoga, and while it has been strenuous for me physically, I have found it soothing emotionally.  My friends like to joke about the silly things they say (ex. “breathe out the impurities”), but I typically find myself trying to follow the instruction that they give.  I do my best to inhale the best I have to offer and to exhale the things that keep me from being happy.  In the last week and a half, I have been able to focus entire on me.  It is no longer “What’s best for us?”  Now it is “What do I want to do?”

When I was at dinner with a friend on Wednesday, we started to talk about the movie Eat, Pray, Love.  I mentioned how I kind of wanted to go on a solo vacation, and she excitedly proclaimed, “I did that once and it was fantastic!”  Apparently she went to Hawaii with a stack of books and spent an entire week there.  She went to the beach every day and didn’t have to ask anybody else for their opinion.  It was weird, she said, but a great experience.  “No matter where you end up going, you will learn a lot about yourself.”  Suddenly Take a vacation by myself is on my bucket list.

Hmm…

Well anyway, after rereading the beginning of what I have written here, I think I should mention that I am really not an emotional wreck.  The fourth paragraph (about the wedding dress) was written because… lets be honest… who does that happen to?  It is kind of sad, but at the same time very funny to me.  The 3rd paragraph was written because my friends have the best intentions, but they say silly things sometimes.  Also… I am pretty sure Joe reads this so he might appreciate a shout-out about how insensitive he sometimes is (and one of my favorite things to do is give him a hard time).  The 2nd paragraph is honest to what I’m feeling.  I’m not depressed and I’d like to think that those thoughts come with any breakup.

So, in case anyone was worried, my sense of humor is still intact and I am still the happy-go-lucky person I have always been :-)

Besides all of that, I have a wedding to attend tomorrow.  I thought about wearing my new wedding dress to it, but I heard that wearing white to a wedding is rude.  Maybe a birthday party is coming up.

**In case anyone was wondering, Dan and I are going to move out of our shared apartment and into separate places beginning on Sunday.  I get the television and the dog.  He gets the desk that I spilled ink all over.  I definitely won in the “who gets what” game.

Way Too Nerdy Thursday :: Chucknorium

Jun 032010

Every Friday is casual Friday, where we get to shed our typical “business casual” duds and put some jeans on.  Typically people will wear the same type of business casual shirt and match it with denim, but some people choose to wear South Park t-shirts, baseball hats, and hawaiian shirts.

A few weeks ago, on a Friday toward the end of the work day when everyone was getting kind of squirrely and in the midst of a break down following the 38 hours of staring at a computer that week, some guys were giggling over something. I sat and listened, thinking that maybe they were having fun talking about gas powered blenders again, but I slowly moved my head to see what they were all looking at when I spotted it…

And I had only one thing to say.

“… Really?”

And this sent them into a fit of giggles.

At first, I thought I had spotted a man wearing the periodic table on his shirt, but I was wrong.  You see, my eyes aren’t that great and I have glasses but don’t typically wear them. So instead, a picture of the shirt was googled and then e-mailed to me.

I smiled, but I didn’t laugh. They were appalled by my lack of amusement. 

And would you believe that the guy wearing the Chucknorium shirt was heralded while I, someone that could appreciate the shirt but didn’t think it was the best thing ever, was heckled?  Something is a little backward here.

They told me that the joke would have to grow on me.  “You know” said the man wearing the shirt, “I guess I didn’t really think it was all that funny the first time I saw it either.  But then, a few days later when I was driving in my car, it hit me.  And it was the awesomest thing ever.  And then I went home and bought this shirt.”

Something tells me that I won’t be purchasing the shirt.

Way Too Nerdy Thursdays :: Hunting With Light Sabers

Mar 182010

Person 1:  Big Wheel made a Yoda on a spreadsheet made out of green boxes.

Person 2:  That Big Wheel.  He’s a talented guy.

Person 1:  You ever hear that “Yoda” song by Weird Al? “I saw the little runt sitting there on a log. I asked him for his name and in a raspy voice he said ‘Yoda’, Y-O-D-A yoda”

Person 2:  How would you guys like to go hunting with a light saber?

Person 1:  The deer wouldn’t get close. Light Sabers are too noisy.

Person3:  No, they’re only noisy when you hit something.

Person 2:  Can you imagine… You jumping out of your tree stand with a light saber to slice a deer

Person 3:  Yeah, you just wouldn’t hit the button until you were about to slice its head off.

Person 1:  Then I could say, with my light saber, I was able to procure the raw material to create sausage.

Person 2:  Hahaha yeah. You could be on the cover of a Hunters’ Magazine!

Person 1:  I’d be on the cover with my lightsaber

Person 2:  Instead of Bow Hunters’ Weekly, it would be Light Sabers’ Weekly

Person 1:  …I bet that exists already.

Additionally, I find it important to mention that all persons above are over 35 years of age.

I Always Knew I Liked Cats

Mar 122010

Ever since my boss gave the okay to 60 hour work weeks (meaning 20 hours of potential overtime), a lot people have been staying in the office until at least 6pm.  Some even stay until 10pm.  Me?  I’m not too concerned with overtime and I leave about an hour after wanting to gouge out my eyes from staring at a computer and manipulating spreadsheets for too long.  Some days it’s after 9 hours and some days it’s after only 5.  It’s like my own test of willpower.  Can I make it that next hour without blurred vision?  Will my sanity still be there?  It’s like this crazy mind game I can play.. and the outcome is never the same twice in a row.  Usually I will take some time and just set my forehead down on my desk and leave it there for about 5 minutes.  Then I pick it up and I have only 55 minutes to go.  Score 1 me.

Needless to say, after anyone spends 3 hours making spreadsheets, they start to go a little crazy.  But when 5pm rolls around and a lot of people have been there for 10 hours already (except for me… since I usually stroll in at about 9am), people start talking gibberish and laughing at God knows what.  Suddenly people are talking about weird crap and nobody can focus any more.  They are losing their minds.

I think that I have mentioned here before that I learned how to survive bear attacks at work.  And believe it or not, that conversation did not happen at the late hours of the evening, but at around 2pm.  The guy that sits next to me just knows a lot about bears.  ANYWAY.  Last night, as the sun was setting and we were all still sitting around talking and clicking away on excel, the bear conversation came up again.  Eventually it evolved into a conversation about cougars and how, if you were to ever encounter one, you had better just get the biggest stick you can and hope to God that you’re able to beat it away (and then I giggled because I was thinking about how that might apply to the older-women-type as well).  And then it become a conversation about all cats, big or small.  And FINALLY, about 15 minutes after the initial conversation began, the common house cat was introduced into the discussion.

Are you ready for this?  Because this totally blew my mind when they told me this little factoid.  Make sure that you’re positive you’re ready because this post is about to go to a really weird, morbid place.

If you were to die in your house and no one were to find you for awhile and you owned a cat, the cat would eat you to stay alive.

If you were to die in your house and no one were to find you for awhile and you owned a dog, the dog would not eat you and starve to death instead.

**I had to stop writing at this point because my dog just consumed bits of the plastic water bottle I didn’t notice it was chewing.  It won’t eat me as a last ditch effort to stay alive, but it will ingest plastic for no real reason at all.  Wow. **

First, I was disgusted at this news.  I felt betrayed, thinking that my cat would eat me to stay alive.  My love for Prandtl grew exponentially as I thought about her, laying next to me, refusing to eat me because she was far too loyal.

But then I thought about it longer, and I suddenly thought Prandtl was an idiot.  She’s a wild animal, for God sakes.  She wasn’t raised eating ceasar salads and filet mignon.  Her ancestors hunted for their food and stalked their prey to get it, but she wouldn’t eat me to stay alive?  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  She just lost a ball under the entertainment center and it looks like her brain is going to implode as she thinks about how to get it back.

So after careful consideration, I’m not hurt that cats are willing to eat their owners to stay alive.  I’m not disgusted.  It’s self preservation.  They gotta do what they gotta do.  I mean, as long as I’m not waking up in the middle of the night to find Lucy gnawing on my arm with a crazed look in her eye, I’m fine.  I respect that she will do whatever she has to do to stick around.  And I certainly don’t blame her.

And honestly, usually conversations like this gross me out.  I’m usually really squeamish whenever it comes to anything dealing with the deceased or zombies eating one another. So sorry if you threw up in the middle of reading this, but I just couldn’t let this one go.

Did You Not Read The Memo?!

Mar 012010

I got this memo today while at work.  Apparently it’s kind of a big deal.  It was on company letterhead and everything. (Click to see)

So make sure that all of your friends named “Don” or “Donald” know that they are among the coolest people on earth. Give them a high five, a fist bump, a butt slap, or whatever you crazy kids do these days.

They’ve earned it.

Inappropriate Search Terms

Feb 182010

Somebody found my blog today by typing “pouting anus pics hd tan beach” into a search engine.

I can’t begin to tell you how uncomfortable that makes me.  And I don’t think I ever had the words “pouting” or “anus” anywhere in this blog… until now… so by posting this, I’m probably opening up some kind of weird, twisted can of worms.

Dan and I are thinking the same thing right now.

Who types stuff like that in!??!?

 

**UPDATE

 I just put that into google to see what other hits it could get, and since I put that search term directly into this post, my blog was the first thing to show up.  Now I feel dirty.

I might delete this if I feel too gross as a result.  We’ll see if I can still sleep tonight.