NaBloPoMo/30 Days of Truth – Day 3 – Something I Have to Forgive Myself For

Nov 042010

Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for

In high school, I was lucky enough to have not just one, but two best friends: Samantha and Donald.


From left to right: Sam, me, and Donald

Sam was treated like my best friend, but for some reason… even though I was still able to talk to Donald about anything and everything and he was an incredible friend to me, I treated him like dirt.  The joke would be that I was destroying his self esteem because we were going to build it up even stronger… but we just never got around to building it back up.  Obviously, we had a twisted sense of humor since that is a pretty shitty joke.

I was mean for no good reason (is there ever a good reason?).  I made fun of someone that I considered a best friend on a consistent basis and made him doubt everything about himself.  Then I up-and-left for college and never looked back.

You’ve seen him here at my blog.  He posts under the name of “Spanks” and he is even the one who asked “Will You Marry Me?” in my formspring box.  I’m lucky he’s still here for me since he was kicked around in the dirt for so long.  I am sure he will say “no big deal” and “I’m fine”, but that doesn’t make the guilt go away.

That time was years ago, and since then our friendship has morphed into one of support.  I am happy that he is still in my life in the role of someone very important to me.  However, I still can’t help but feel remorse for the hard time I gave him so many years ago.  I try not to dwell on the past much, but some days it hits me, and I can’t help but feel regret.

So, Donald, I’m sorry.  You are a great person, and I hope you realize how much you mean to me.  Thank you for being the bigger person.

NaBloPoMo/30 Days of Truth – Day 2 – Something I Love About Myself

Nov 032010

Day 02  - Something you love about yourself

No matter where I end up in life, no matter how many mistakes I make, and no matter how many times I fall flat on my face, I can take solace in knowing that I did what I thought was right in every situation.

I am human and occasionally I will slip up, but my “home base” is that of someone who is honest and caring.

I am a good person.

I have integrity.

Why You Can Read My Blog, but Still Not Know Anything About My Life

Sep 062010

Occassionally people will ask me why I don’t write about specific situations in my life.  Why am I not blogging more about the newly awkward relationship I have with Dan?  Why am I not discussing my thoughts on my sister is getting married?  Why have I not focused more on some of the friendships I have made here in the Twin Cities since moving?

Why, oh why, is this blog about ME?  I am sure you get bored of my narcissism.  It’s always “me” this and “me” that and “I did this” and “I hate that” and whine whine bitch whine whine.  And of course my response to that is always “because it’s my blog, so if you are tired of me then stop reading it”.  DUH.

But I do understand the point.  All of those things have a direct effect on me.  I have thoughts about them, and I am being directly impacted every single day.  They are the things that are swirling around me and making me feel uncomfortable, scared, happy, comforted, confused, and alone all at one time.  They are the things making me who I will be 5, 10, or 50 years from now.  They are the people that are comforting me and listening to me.  And yet I don’t discuss them.  And I am sure a few of your regular readers have noticed I will breach a topic only to never bring it up again.  Ever.

So why the silence on these things?  Because I would rather keep these things to myself than to receive angry phone calls, emails, and texts.  In case you didn’t notice the trend, all of the aforementioned topics involve someone else.  I had a blog when I was about 12 years old and a few of my friends in school read it (without me knowing).  Next thing I know, they are all mad at me for talking about them.  And, since this blog is proudly displayed on my facebook page, I choose not to allow that to happen again.  It sucked learning the hard way, but at least I learned.

It is hard sometimes, though.  There are a lot of things I want to talk about, but unfortunately I can’t do it here.  Some things are too hurtful to others… and other things are too fragile to bring up right now.  It is a strange situation to be in, but I think that keeping a few things to myself is the best (and safest) way to go.

Like I said… it sucks learning the hard way, but it usually ends up being a lesson you never forget.

> Insert Really Depressing Title Here <

Aug 132010

Now that my blog has become the most depressing space on the interweb, I find it appropriate to keep going with these little updates about how things are going for me emotionally.  Afterall – it’s not like this can get any more depressing than it already is.

As I’ve said many times before, writing is how I deal with doubts, insecurities, and thoughts I can’t seem to let go of.  Admittedly, I suppose I am being a bit of a drama queen about this whole thing.  It’s not like we had a house, four kids, two dogs, and a life together.  We had an apartment, one dog, and a big screen tv.**  But this whole thing still sucks (for the lack of a better word).  This morning I found myself forgetting why we broke up in the first place.  Then I spent the rest of the day moping around, second guessing, and suffering from thoughts in my head that couldn’t sit still and give me a moment of silence.

And then, when I was venting to my friend Joe, he found it appropriate to say, “I totally thought you guys were going to get married”.  WHOA… GEE… THANKS…  I always appreciate it when someone cuts me right across the chest with a jagged and rusty blade, runs out to buy the biggest package of salt available at Sams Club, empties all of the salt into my fresh wound, and then rubs it in there so that not a bit of it is wasted — it is forced into the cut in a way that allows  every individual granule to cause me an awful, resonating pain.  Next time maybe he can grab some lemon juice to spray directly into my eyes, too.  REAL COOL, BRO.

I also forgot to mention that I was given a $4000 Vera Wang wedding dress the day after breaking up.  No joke.  It was 100% free and is hanging in my closet right now.  Of course the women who gave it to me had no idea that less than 24 hours ago I had broken up with a guy I once talked about marriage with… or that it doesn’t fit and I will need to lose about 5 lbs before I can zip it (not only could I feel lonely… I got to feel fat too!)… and they couldn’t possibly know that I would try it on as soon as I got home and tear up over how pretty it was and my lack of places to wear it.  They were actually really sweet when I told them what happened, and they are totally cool with me selling it.  But I just thought the timing was incredible.  Seriously.  Who does that happen to?

I am handling this well.  I really am.

I started doing Yoga, and while it has been strenuous for me physically, I have found it soothing emotionally.  My friends like to joke about the silly things they say (ex. “breathe out the impurities”), but I typically find myself trying to follow the instruction that they give.  I do my best to inhale the best I have to offer and to exhale the things that keep me from being happy.  In the last week and a half, I have been able to focus entire on me.  It is no longer “What’s best for us?”  Now it is “What do I want to do?”

When I was at dinner with a friend on Wednesday, we started to talk about the movie Eat, Pray, Love.  I mentioned how I kind of wanted to go on a solo vacation, and she excitedly proclaimed, “I did that once and it was fantastic!”  Apparently she went to Hawaii with a stack of books and spent an entire week there.  She went to the beach every day and didn’t have to ask anybody else for their opinion.  It was weird, she said, but a great experience.  “No matter where you end up going, you will learn a lot about yourself.”  Suddenly Take a vacation by myself is on my bucket list.

Hmm…

Well anyway, after rereading the beginning of what I have written here, I think I should mention that I am really not an emotional wreck.  The fourth paragraph (about the wedding dress) was written because… lets be honest… who does that happen to?  It is kind of sad, but at the same time very funny to me.  The 3rd paragraph was written because my friends have the best intentions, but they say silly things sometimes.  Also… I am pretty sure Joe reads this so he might appreciate a shout-out about how insensitive he sometimes is (and one of my favorite things to do is give him a hard time).  The 2nd paragraph is honest to what I’m feeling.  I’m not depressed and I’d like to think that those thoughts come with any breakup.

So, in case anyone was worried, my sense of humor is still intact and I am still the happy-go-lucky person I have always been :-)

Besides all of that, I have a wedding to attend tomorrow.  I thought about wearing my new wedding dress to it, but I heard that wearing white to a wedding is rude.  Maybe a birthday party is coming up.

**In case anyone was wondering, Dan and I are going to move out of our shared apartment and into separate places beginning on Sunday.  I get the television and the dog.  He gets the desk that I spilled ink all over.  I definitely won in the “who gets what” game.

Ouch

Aug 052010

On Tuesday night, Dan and I broke up.

There was no cheating.  No unhappy feelings.  No not-getting-along. From the outside looking in, we had a great relationship.  Hell, even from the inside we had a great relationship.  But something was missing, and I never could quite put my finger on it.

I brought up my thoughts on our relationship, and he agreed.  Something really was missing.  He was able to put it in words better than I could.

“When we both lived in Michigan, we were both unhappy because we were just starting out and not quite doing what we want to do.  Moving to Minnesota has helped me find my happiness here through my research and the things that I do, but you haven’t found yours yet.  I needed support to reach the place I am at now, and you were there for me every step of the way.  Unfortunately for us, what you need is space — and I am willing to give that to you.”

I am not one to say that our 2 year and 4 month relationship was a waste.  I take everything as a learning opportunity because, no matter what I am doing, I am learning about myself in one way or another.  And I learned a lot with Dan.  He pushed me to be a better person and supported me no matter what I was doing. 

But there are only so many things you can learn in a relationship.  At some point, you need to take a step out of your comfort zone and learn to live on your own.  Since starting college, I was a “serial monogomist” and went from one serious relationship to the next in a matter of weeks.  And lately, with all of this talk of marriage and forever, I don’t think I’ll really be ready until I get the chance to try this out.

I’m not going to go into every facet of the breakup here, but to put it plainly… I am very sad. 

I am sure that I will be for a very long time.

For the last week, I have been listening to two songs over and over again.  I respond to music.  If any of you are having trouble with something in your life, maybe these songs can give you some much needed strength as well.

I Have No Idea How to Talk to Kids. HELP ME!

Jul 062010

First of all, let me just make it clear that children make me uncomfortable. I find them to be totally unrelateable.  I don’t understand how to talk to them, how to compose myself around them, what tone of voice to use, and I have no idea what to do with body posture.  I always feel incredibly awkward and pathetic because I stand there with a puzzled look on my face stuttering and saying “UHHHHH…” and drilling them with question after question while other people make it look like the most natural thing in the world.  And I try, I really do, but I just am at a loss for words.  They might as well be speaking another language because I literally have no idea how to comprehend anything that they say.  I also get so nervous I start talking really fast and they can’t figure out what I’m saying either. 

I mean, I like kids.  I respect them.  They’re so carefree.  They do whatever they want because they haven’t yet been bogged down by “social expectation” or “responsibilities”.  They are little free spirits, running around doing whatever and dancing in front of strangers and saying ludicrous things (in a good way).  Things that we as adults are too self conscious to do. 

So anyway, I am a part of Big Brothers Big Sisters, and I was recently assigned a Little Sister.  I met her for the first time last Thursday, and today was our first phone call.  TALK ABOUT AWKWARD.  I foolishly asked a lot of yes or no questions, and she answered them with the expected flat “yes” or “no”.  I didn’t know what to talk about.  There were awkward silences.  Our conversation literally lasted 4 or 5 minutes… and it felt like hours.  I was sweating bullets.  WHAT DO I SAY?  I figured out to ask a question that she would have to elaborate on, like “What did you do for fourth of July?” but that was the only think in my question bank.  After that?  Awkward silence. Again.

…I can’t wait for the day I have children… (… that was a joke… could you tell?)

The Junior League and Big Brothers Big Sisters are set up to make me become more comfortable with kids, but it’s going to take time for me to untie my tounge.  It also doesn’t help that I’m more of a listener than a talker… so I think I just need to figure out the right questions to ask.  And the right things to say to follow up the question.

We’re going swimming on Saturday, and I know I’m going to be freaking out until then… and it will be like I am cramming for a final exam or something because I’m going to be reading anything I can get my hands on regarding how to talk to kids.  It shouldn’t be so hard – they’re little people, right?  Little people… with funny things to say and a different outlook on life.  Little people that I seriously just do not know what to do around. 

If anyone has any advice about how to have casual conversations with kids… particularly a 12 year old… FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHARE IT!  When it comes to kids, I need all of the help I can get.

May God have mercy on my soul.

Why I Love Brownies

Jun 222010

I saw Toy Story 3 last night… and I cried.

That’s right world – I CRIED TEARS AT AN ANIMATED 3D FILM.

And not just a tear here and a tear there, but a whole slew of tears.  A river of tears were flowing from my eyes while Dan sat next to me pretending not to notice. I would like to think he was crying too, but odds are he wasn’t because not many people break down during Pixar films.  I also cried at the beginning of Up, but lets be honest — that first 10 minutes was created around what it takes to make people sad.

I’m not going to ruin the movie for anybody during this post, but I do need to summarize a little to get to the point.  I can do it in one sentence.

Andy goes to college and has to decide what to do with his toys.

Hopefully it isn’t too much to say that a major theme in this movie is moving on and growing up.  But another important point is saying goodbye doesn’t mean that the impact left on you isn’t there for a lifetime.  Whether Andy’s toys end up in a chest in his room, in the attic, or in a trash dump, they helped make Andy who he is and who he is becoming.  Regardless of where they may be physically, they are still with him for the rest of his life in their own way.

So, fresh out of the movie theater, I thought it might be a good time to reflect and think about what made me into… well… ME.

  1. Growing up in a small town. Since leaving for college in 2005, I have lived in a city. First Flint, then the Detroit Metro Area, and then the Twin Cities. Small communities are great because people genuinely care about each other and get to know each other. The pharmacists want to know how your kids are doing, the mailman stops to chat with you in the afternoon, and your bank doesn’t ID you every time you go there. Knowing that places like that exist really comfort me in city on some days where everyone gives you the cold shoulder and nobody cares who you are.
  2. The time some guy went door to door to try to get money by painting house numbers on the stoop. I felt for him and appreciated that he was at least trying to do something to earn money and support his family.  I gave the guy $20 because I didn’t have a $5.  He said he’d go to the gas station to bring me back change, and I trusted him. DUDE NEVER CAME BACK. Now I don’t trust strangers any more.
  3. My momma as a constant presence in my life. She taught me right from wrong, and I love her.
  4. Participating in sports. Sometimes I didn’t come in first place, but I learned to appreciate that doing my best is sometimes all I can do… and there is no shame in that.
  5. The death of a classmate. We are not invincible, and I’ve learned to deal with that. I tend to make very impulsive decisions because of that “what if” that hovers over my head.
  6. My parents have always had animals around me. We lived in town, but that didn’t stop us from having pet geese, chickens, ducks, snapping turtles, rabbits, rats, cats, dogs, snakes, mice, and a robin (you know.. the bird). Today, I love animals. Nothing breaks my heart more than seeing those puppy mill busts on Animal Planet. For now, I’ve got my hands full with the Junior League and Big Brothers Big Sisters… but I might consider volunteering at the humane society in the near future. I also refuse to buy any dog from a breeder and find myself silently judging other people that choose to.
  7. My mom used to get up at 4am and make brownies before leaving for work so that we would have some later in the afternoon. I would get up for school with the smell of warm brownies. Sure, everyone loves the smell of a fresh batch of brownies, but the smell gives me a warm fuzzy feeling too.

7 is kind of a weird number for a list, but that’s all I’ve got. I have been working on this list sporadically throughout the day, but the time has come for me to get up, get my bridesmaid dress for a wedding this weekend, and do some walkthroughs for potential future apartments since my lease ends at the end of August.

Do any occassions or objects from your youth have a significant effect on you today?

My Daily Evolution

May 132010

My post Beauty: Where Our Perception Comes From follows a model as she undergoes some heavy makeup, hair, and photoshopping for a billboard ad.  It’s pretty interesting to see what it takes to make someone look “perfect”.

Shortly after, I discussed my own insecurities regarding my own appearance in The Addiction to Appearance.  I talked about my daily routine and how the way I look reflects how I feel about myself on any given day.

My friend Don Keylips wanted to see me without makeup since he has known me for years and has never seen it.  And since I made this blog to keep track of myself and any strides in confidence I make, I thought this might be a good place to put it.

Also, I thought it might be fun to see how my face changes throughout the makeup process.  I tend to go the natural route (especially for work), so my face doesn’t change much.  I originally took a picture after every step, but I figured 11 pictures might be a little much… so I condensed it down to 5.

So be sure to imagine me taking a deep breath before hitting “publish”… because that’s exactly what I am going to do.

Clean faced:

+ Foundation, Concealer & Powder

+ Eyeshadow, Black Eyeliner on top & White Eyeliner on bottom

+ Straightened hair, Blush, Eyebrow Pencil, Lip Gloss & Lip Stick

+ Curled Eyelashes, Mascara & Hair pinned back (and I’m ready to go!)

And I will be honest with all of you. I have about a hundred photos of myself on my camera from days and days of prepping for this… I was sure to pick what I considered the best “no-makeup” version of myself to share with the world.

And one more thing. I’m not fishing for compliments or criticisms.  This is just a step I’m taking to get over the hurdle that has been evading me for a long time.  It’s silly, I know, but it’s something I struggle with.

April Resolutions... Le Sigh

May 012010

On December 31st, I declared my New Years Resolution:  Make monthly resolutions.

I think that most of you know the drill by now. This April, I made myself some goals. Lets see how I did!

  • Run 3 miles by the end of the month - DONE! I will be completely honest, though. I ran a total of 3 times this month. The first time I went a little over a mile. The second time I went two miles. The third time? Well that occurred about an hour ago just so I could say I did this. I am going to regret it tomorrow when I can’t even get out of bed tomorrow because the pain is so intense.
  • Post more often – Uhh.. NO. It’s tied. After this post, I will have posted 13 times this month. In the month of March, I posted 13 times. The goal was to post MORE (not the same)… so this is a fail.
  • Eat 1 fruit a day - ABSOLUTELY! And everybody told me this goal was kind of lame. But whatever. This goal was the only thing that got me to eat fruit on some days.
  • Continue to stay credit card debt free – I forgot I made this a goal……. and I totally FAILED :(
  • Build savings – COMPLETED. Please don’t rob me.
  • Read 1 book – … If I said FAIL would anybody really be surprised?
  • Keep my google calendar up to date – COMPLETED. And it definitely saved me once in awhile, too.

4 out of 7 accomplished. One of these days, I will be able to say I completed all of them.

Way Too Nerdy Thursday :: The Day I Realized I Was A Nerd

Apr 292010

For a long time throughout college, I felt that I was the least nerdy engineering major there. I had never made a trebuchet, I didn’t build my own computer, and I couldn’t tell you about the history of the automobile.

Simply put, I chose an engineering school because I didn’t know what else to choose.  I no longer wanted to be a journalist (I hated my journalism class in high school), but I knew that I really liked science and math.  My neighbors went to Kettering University for engineering, so sure, why shouldn’t I go too.

As time went on, I grew to like engineering. All of the analyzing, all of the logic, all of the sensible people around me… it made me happy.  But I still didn’t consider myself nerdy.  I didn’t talk heat transfer or machinery in my spare time.  Sure, I enjoyed learning about it, but I never got excited.  Nothing ever got me riled up in a way that only something you are truly emotionally attached to can.

Anyway, our schedule process required that we make our course schedules 4 months in advance.  As soon as schedules are finalized, people will post them on facebook — it’s fun to see who is in your class and to see which of your friends were unfortunate enough to get the toughest professors.  One of my friends was taking a fluids class over our winter term, and a few people were commenting on it.  “Oh man, you got THAT PROFESSOR?! See you in the summer!” I probably said something along the lines of “I wish I could feel sorry for you, but man up.”

But then this guy that I had ever heard of piped up. He said, “How are you going to take a fluids class in the winter? Won’t all of the water freeze? LOL!”

I read the stranger’s comment… and I became angry.  I wasn’t angry because he had capitalized “LOL” and followed it with an exclamation mark like some kind of asshat.  I wasn’t mad because he asked a stupid question.  I wasn’t mad because he just made the worst joke I had ever read.  I was mad because he implied that all fluids were liquids.  And it wasn’t like a “what an idiot” kind of mad.  I was legimately angry.  I wanted to correct him by slapping him in the face and asking if the oxygen he was breathing freezes in the winter… since gasses are a fluid… because it might do us all a favor if that were the case. 

Of course I didn’t say anything (I’m far too nice), but I realized I was angry about something that most people don’t get very angry about… afterall, how can you expect people without classes completely devoted to fluids to know that?

But then I laughed.  I laughed because that was my first nerdy moment.

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