NaBloPoMo/30 Days of Truth – Day 4 – Something I Have to Forgive Someone For

Nov 052010

Before I start, I’m just going to go ahead and throw out there that this blog is getting really depressing really fast.  Maybe I should have picked 30 happy questions instead.

Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for

My parents were married for about 6 years before they went their seperate ways.  My Mom kicked Dad out when I was in 1st or 2nd grade, and I didn’t have to hear the thump’s and the bang’s or see my mom escorted down the stairs by my dad because “she fell” anymore.  He had never once hit me or my sister, but my Mom was another story.

He did not yell or even seem surprised when he came home to find his things on the lawn.  I know because I was walking home from school and I ran into him as he was picking his things up off the lawn and putting them in his trunk.  I asked what was going on, and he calmly told me to just go inside.  He never said bye when he left that day, but that was just fine.  He has kept a respectable distance from my mother, and to this day I can appreciate that.

What I struggle with is forgiving him for throwing me and my sister out of his life as well. 

  • My Mom was determined to keep him in our lives, and she would drop us off regardless of whether or not he wanted us around.  He stood behind the car once to block her from leaving, but she pressed the gas and ran into him anyway. 
  • My sister and I got along well with Trista, his girlfriend, and I overheard him asking her, “How do you get them to like you so much?”  She responded, “Spend time with them, Mark!”.  He got up to make an effort and picked me up and swirled me around… and then put me down, walked into the other room, and said “That’s too much work”.
  • He never once called just to say, “Hi”.
  • My mom spoke to him on the phone once and lectured him on never being there for us kids.  All he had to say was, “Tell [my step-dad] to love them”.
  • I sent him an e-mail a few years ago.  I hoped that maybe some kind of relationship could build off of it.  He answered me once, and I wrote back a few days later.  No response from him.

I have mentioned these “Daddy issues” a few times here, and I really do hope that I am eventually able to just let it go.  I don’t think about it much and I don’t get too sad either, but I have yet to forgive which is why I still hold on to it.  Maybe the day he makes an effort at a relationship, I will be able to let this go and start over again. 

I have one other thing, too.

Freshman year of college, my friend Scott took me to Taco Bell despite my protests.  He forced me to smell it.  He forced me to look at it.  5 years later, I’m still bitter and bring it up sometimes.  It’s (mostly) just funny, buuuttttt until the day that I die, I will continue to bring it up just to give him a hard time :)

Why You Can Read My Blog, but Still Not Know Anything About My Life

Sep 062010

Occassionally people will ask me why I don’t write about specific situations in my life.  Why am I not blogging more about the newly awkward relationship I have with Dan?  Why am I not discussing my thoughts on my sister is getting married?  Why have I not focused more on some of the friendships I have made here in the Twin Cities since moving?

Why, oh why, is this blog about ME?  I am sure you get bored of my narcissism.  It’s always “me” this and “me” that and “I did this” and “I hate that” and whine whine bitch whine whine.  And of course my response to that is always “because it’s my blog, so if you are tired of me then stop reading it”.  DUH.

But I do understand the point.  All of those things have a direct effect on me.  I have thoughts about them, and I am being directly impacted every single day.  They are the things that are swirling around me and making me feel uncomfortable, scared, happy, comforted, confused, and alone all at one time.  They are the things making me who I will be 5, 10, or 50 years from now.  They are the people that are comforting me and listening to me.  And yet I don’t discuss them.  And I am sure a few of your regular readers have noticed I will breach a topic only to never bring it up again.  Ever.

So why the silence on these things?  Because I would rather keep these things to myself than to receive angry phone calls, emails, and texts.  In case you didn’t notice the trend, all of the aforementioned topics involve someone else.  I had a blog when I was about 12 years old and a few of my friends in school read it (without me knowing).  Next thing I know, they are all mad at me for talking about them.  And, since this blog is proudly displayed on my facebook page, I choose not to allow that to happen again.  It sucked learning the hard way, but at least I learned.

It is hard sometimes, though.  There are a lot of things I want to talk about, but unfortunately I can’t do it here.  Some things are too hurtful to others… and other things are too fragile to bring up right now.  It is a strange situation to be in, but I think that keeping a few things to myself is the best (and safest) way to go.

Like I said… it sucks learning the hard way, but it usually ends up being a lesson you never forget.

> Insert Really Depressing Title Here <

Aug 132010

Now that my blog has become the most depressing space on the interweb, I find it appropriate to keep going with these little updates about how things are going for me emotionally.  Afterall – it’s not like this can get any more depressing than it already is.

As I’ve said many times before, writing is how I deal with doubts, insecurities, and thoughts I can’t seem to let go of.  Admittedly, I suppose I am being a bit of a drama queen about this whole thing.  It’s not like we had a house, four kids, two dogs, and a life together.  We had an apartment, one dog, and a big screen tv.**  But this whole thing still sucks (for the lack of a better word).  This morning I found myself forgetting why we broke up in the first place.  Then I spent the rest of the day moping around, second guessing, and suffering from thoughts in my head that couldn’t sit still and give me a moment of silence.

And then, when I was venting to my friend Joe, he found it appropriate to say, “I totally thought you guys were going to get married”.  WHOA… GEE… THANKS…  I always appreciate it when someone cuts me right across the chest with a jagged and rusty blade, runs out to buy the biggest package of salt available at Sams Club, empties all of the salt into my fresh wound, and then rubs it in there so that not a bit of it is wasted — it is forced into the cut in a way that allows  every individual granule to cause me an awful, resonating pain.  Next time maybe he can grab some lemon juice to spray directly into my eyes, too.  REAL COOL, BRO.

I also forgot to mention that I was given a $4000 Vera Wang wedding dress the day after breaking up.  No joke.  It was 100% free and is hanging in my closet right now.  Of course the women who gave it to me had no idea that less than 24 hours ago I had broken up with a guy I once talked about marriage with… or that it doesn’t fit and I will need to lose about 5 lbs before I can zip it (not only could I feel lonely… I got to feel fat too!)… and they couldn’t possibly know that I would try it on as soon as I got home and tear up over how pretty it was and my lack of places to wear it.  They were actually really sweet when I told them what happened, and they are totally cool with me selling it.  But I just thought the timing was incredible.  Seriously.  Who does that happen to?

I am handling this well.  I really am.

I started doing Yoga, and while it has been strenuous for me physically, I have found it soothing emotionally.  My friends like to joke about the silly things they say (ex. “breathe out the impurities”), but I typically find myself trying to follow the instruction that they give.  I do my best to inhale the best I have to offer and to exhale the things that keep me from being happy.  In the last week and a half, I have been able to focus entire on me.  It is no longer “What’s best for us?”  Now it is “What do I want to do?”

When I was at dinner with a friend on Wednesday, we started to talk about the movie Eat, Pray, Love.  I mentioned how I kind of wanted to go on a solo vacation, and she excitedly proclaimed, “I did that once and it was fantastic!”  Apparently she went to Hawaii with a stack of books and spent an entire week there.  She went to the beach every day and didn’t have to ask anybody else for their opinion.  It was weird, she said, but a great experience.  “No matter where you end up going, you will learn a lot about yourself.”  Suddenly Take a vacation by myself is on my bucket list.

Hmm…

Well anyway, after rereading the beginning of what I have written here, I think I should mention that I am really not an emotional wreck.  The fourth paragraph (about the wedding dress) was written because… lets be honest… who does that happen to?  It is kind of sad, but at the same time very funny to me.  The 3rd paragraph was written because my friends have the best intentions, but they say silly things sometimes.  Also… I am pretty sure Joe reads this so he might appreciate a shout-out about how insensitive he sometimes is (and one of my favorite things to do is give him a hard time).  The 2nd paragraph is honest to what I’m feeling.  I’m not depressed and I’d like to think that those thoughts come with any breakup.

So, in case anyone was worried, my sense of humor is still intact and I am still the happy-go-lucky person I have always been :-)

Besides all of that, I have a wedding to attend tomorrow.  I thought about wearing my new wedding dress to it, but I heard that wearing white to a wedding is rude.  Maybe a birthday party is coming up.

**In case anyone was wondering, Dan and I are going to move out of our shared apartment and into separate places beginning on Sunday.  I get the television and the dog.  He gets the desk that I spilled ink all over.  I definitely won in the “who gets what” game.

Ouch

Aug 052010

On Tuesday night, Dan and I broke up.

There was no cheating.  No unhappy feelings.  No not-getting-along. From the outside looking in, we had a great relationship.  Hell, even from the inside we had a great relationship.  But something was missing, and I never could quite put my finger on it.

I brought up my thoughts on our relationship, and he agreed.  Something really was missing.  He was able to put it in words better than I could.

“When we both lived in Michigan, we were both unhappy because we were just starting out and not quite doing what we want to do.  Moving to Minnesota has helped me find my happiness here through my research and the things that I do, but you haven’t found yours yet.  I needed support to reach the place I am at now, and you were there for me every step of the way.  Unfortunately for us, what you need is space — and I am willing to give that to you.”

I am not one to say that our 2 year and 4 month relationship was a waste.  I take everything as a learning opportunity because, no matter what I am doing, I am learning about myself in one way or another.  And I learned a lot with Dan.  He pushed me to be a better person and supported me no matter what I was doing. 

But there are only so many things you can learn in a relationship.  At some point, you need to take a step out of your comfort zone and learn to live on your own.  Since starting college, I was a “serial monogomist” and went from one serious relationship to the next in a matter of weeks.  And lately, with all of this talk of marriage and forever, I don’t think I’ll really be ready until I get the chance to try this out.

I’m not going to go into every facet of the breakup here, but to put it plainly… I am very sad. 

I am sure that I will be for a very long time.

For the last week, I have been listening to two songs over and over again.  I respond to music.  If any of you are having trouble with something in your life, maybe these songs can give you some much needed strength as well.

I Have No Idea How to Talk to Kids. HELP ME!

Jul 062010

First of all, let me just make it clear that children make me uncomfortable. I find them to be totally unrelateable.  I don’t understand how to talk to them, how to compose myself around them, what tone of voice to use, and I have no idea what to do with body posture.  I always feel incredibly awkward and pathetic because I stand there with a puzzled look on my face stuttering and saying “UHHHHH…” and drilling them with question after question while other people make it look like the most natural thing in the world.  And I try, I really do, but I just am at a loss for words.  They might as well be speaking another language because I literally have no idea how to comprehend anything that they say.  I also get so nervous I start talking really fast and they can’t figure out what I’m saying either. 

I mean, I like kids.  I respect them.  They’re so carefree.  They do whatever they want because they haven’t yet been bogged down by “social expectation” or “responsibilities”.  They are little free spirits, running around doing whatever and dancing in front of strangers and saying ludicrous things (in a good way).  Things that we as adults are too self conscious to do. 

So anyway, I am a part of Big Brothers Big Sisters, and I was recently assigned a Little Sister.  I met her for the first time last Thursday, and today was our first phone call.  TALK ABOUT AWKWARD.  I foolishly asked a lot of yes or no questions, and she answered them with the expected flat “yes” or “no”.  I didn’t know what to talk about.  There were awkward silences.  Our conversation literally lasted 4 or 5 minutes… and it felt like hours.  I was sweating bullets.  WHAT DO I SAY?  I figured out to ask a question that she would have to elaborate on, like “What did you do for fourth of July?” but that was the only think in my question bank.  After that?  Awkward silence. Again.

…I can’t wait for the day I have children… (… that was a joke… could you tell?)

The Junior League and Big Brothers Big Sisters are set up to make me become more comfortable with kids, but it’s going to take time for me to untie my tounge.  It also doesn’t help that I’m more of a listener than a talker… so I think I just need to figure out the right questions to ask.  And the right things to say to follow up the question.

We’re going swimming on Saturday, and I know I’m going to be freaking out until then… and it will be like I am cramming for a final exam or something because I’m going to be reading anything I can get my hands on regarding how to talk to kids.  It shouldn’t be so hard – they’re little people, right?  Little people… with funny things to say and a different outlook on life.  Little people that I seriously just do not know what to do around. 

If anyone has any advice about how to have casual conversations with kids… particularly a 12 year old… FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHARE IT!  When it comes to kids, I need all of the help I can get.

May God have mercy on my soul.

Why I Love Brownies

Jun 222010

I saw Toy Story 3 last night… and I cried.

That’s right world – I CRIED TEARS AT AN ANIMATED 3D FILM.

And not just a tear here and a tear there, but a whole slew of tears.  A river of tears were flowing from my eyes while Dan sat next to me pretending not to notice. I would like to think he was crying too, but odds are he wasn’t because not many people break down during Pixar films.  I also cried at the beginning of Up, but lets be honest — that first 10 minutes was created around what it takes to make people sad.

I’m not going to ruin the movie for anybody during this post, but I do need to summarize a little to get to the point.  I can do it in one sentence.

Andy goes to college and has to decide what to do with his toys.

Hopefully it isn’t too much to say that a major theme in this movie is moving on and growing up.  But another important point is saying goodbye doesn’t mean that the impact left on you isn’t there for a lifetime.  Whether Andy’s toys end up in a chest in his room, in the attic, or in a trash dump, they helped make Andy who he is and who he is becoming.  Regardless of where they may be physically, they are still with him for the rest of his life in their own way.

So, fresh out of the movie theater, I thought it might be a good time to reflect and think about what made me into… well… ME.

  1. Growing up in a small town. Since leaving for college in 2005, I have lived in a city. First Flint, then the Detroit Metro Area, and then the Twin Cities. Small communities are great because people genuinely care about each other and get to know each other. The pharmacists want to know how your kids are doing, the mailman stops to chat with you in the afternoon, and your bank doesn’t ID you every time you go there. Knowing that places like that exist really comfort me in city on some days where everyone gives you the cold shoulder and nobody cares who you are.
  2. The time some guy went door to door to try to get money by painting house numbers on the stoop. I felt for him and appreciated that he was at least trying to do something to earn money and support his family.  I gave the guy $20 because I didn’t have a $5.  He said he’d go to the gas station to bring me back change, and I trusted him. DUDE NEVER CAME BACK. Now I don’t trust strangers any more.
  3. My momma as a constant presence in my life. She taught me right from wrong, and I love her.
  4. Participating in sports. Sometimes I didn’t come in first place, but I learned to appreciate that doing my best is sometimes all I can do… and there is no shame in that.
  5. The death of a classmate. We are not invincible, and I’ve learned to deal with that. I tend to make very impulsive decisions because of that “what if” that hovers over my head.
  6. My parents have always had animals around me. We lived in town, but that didn’t stop us from having pet geese, chickens, ducks, snapping turtles, rabbits, rats, cats, dogs, snakes, mice, and a robin (you know.. the bird). Today, I love animals. Nothing breaks my heart more than seeing those puppy mill busts on Animal Planet. For now, I’ve got my hands full with the Junior League and Big Brothers Big Sisters… but I might consider volunteering at the humane society in the near future. I also refuse to buy any dog from a breeder and find myself silently judging other people that choose to.
  7. My mom used to get up at 4am and make brownies before leaving for work so that we would have some later in the afternoon. I would get up for school with the smell of warm brownies. Sure, everyone loves the smell of a fresh batch of brownies, but the smell gives me a warm fuzzy feeling too.

7 is kind of a weird number for a list, but that’s all I’ve got. I have been working on this list sporadically throughout the day, but the time has come for me to get up, get my bridesmaid dress for a wedding this weekend, and do some walkthroughs for potential future apartments since my lease ends at the end of August.

Do any occassions or objects from your youth have a significant effect on you today?

I've Got The World On A String

May 052010

I scheduled a few weeks off at the end of May (May 15th thru May 30th to be exact) to go to the Philippines with my Mom, but apparently her body didn’t want her to go because she was wheeled in to surgery in Mid April for a complete hysterectomy while having a nasty kidney infection.  Unfortunately, she probably won’t be well enough to travel once the 15th of May rolls around.  This means that while she’s laying in bed recovering and drinking juice all day and yelling at my stepdad to do things for her, I’ve got a big problem on my hands.  What am I going to do with my two weeks off?!

I could go in to work anyway and pretend like those approved vacation days never really happened, but where’s the fun in that?

I could stay at home and clean and read that 1 book I’ve been working on for the last 4 months and, at some point, stop and see that big cherry that’s sitting in a spoon at the sculpture garden.  This is a little better than going to work, but only marginally.

I could hang out with my mom and nurse her back to health but… uhh… yeeaaahhhhhh…

I could fly and see my friend Bradley in Columbus or my friends Donald and Sam in the D (Detroit for those of you NOT in-the-know), but I could do that pretty much any weekend.

We’re talking 2 full weeks here.  TWO.  FULL.  WEEKS.  And I would very much like these two weeks to be among the best two weeks of my life.

So here’s my plan I just came up with about 30 seconds before typing the “I” at the beginning of this post:

Travel the globe.

As I’ve mentioned before, the beauty of being an airline employee is that I don’t need to buy a ticket ahead of time.  I just look for a flight with some spare seats in it and get in (there’s more to it than that, but for the purpose of this post and due to the fact that I’m sure nobody really cares about details, that’s what we’ll say).  My big plan was to get in a plane that goes west.  Stay at place west of here for a day or two.  Get in next plane that goes west.  Stay at place for a day or two.  Get in another plane that goes west.  Continue until all of my days are through or I am at home.

Problem 1: Granted I have only looked for a total of about 10 minutes, but “just going west” is kind of tough when you’re forced to stay on 1 airline.  Minneapolis to Honolulu.  Honolulu to Tokyo.  Tokyo to… Guam… ? Guam… back? I’ve checked a few flights, and I haven’t found a way to get across Asia to Europe without going back across the United States.  The farthest west I got was Bangkok.

Problem 2: That is A LOT of travel time.  Days and days will be spent on planes.  I could try to only get onto flights with business class available to make it a little more bearable, but that’s easier said than done.

Problem 3: This plan assumes that I’m going to get on every flight I intend to get on.  Probably not going to happen.

Problem 4: Why can’t get across freaking Asia?!

Problem 5: I haven’t told Dan my plan yet.  He might not like it.

Problem 6: I don’t really have the money to do something like this 100% care free… but I feel like this is one of those “once in a lifetime” opportunities.  And I have my whole life to pay off the adventure of a lifetime. (uhh… I can hear bankruptcy calling my name).

Unfortunately, all of these problems all kind of add up to one big problem:  This big plan of mine probably isn’t feasible.  Especially in just two weeks.

So… plan B is pick one or two places and just hang out there for awhile.  But where to go?  Cairo?  Dublin?  Manila?  Greece?  And of course, I could always fulfill my dream of walking into the airport, picking any flight leaving within the hour, and getting on it.

You know, growing up I never thought I’d be in the situation where I had the world at my fingertips.  But I do.  And here I sit with the chance to go anywhere in the world (except west across Asia.  UGH).

Where would you go?

New... Trish... Un? Newtrishun?

Apr 262010

I grew up in a home that didn’t really emphasize nutrition. Aside from telling me to eat a vegetable with my dinner every  night (usually consisting of canned corn or canned green beans), my parents were really hands off. Eating brownies for breakfast wasn’t unheard of. My childhood was every little kids dream. Ration halloween candy? Uhh.. try… Kids, go ahead and eat it for dinner.

So imagine the day that I learned about calories in my high school health class. And imagine my mother’s reaction when I came home and tried to talk about it with her. “HEAD HEAD, THAT’S STUPID. JUST DONT EAT TOO MUCH AND YOU DON’T GET FAT!” End discussion. Never to be brought up again. And from that day on, I thought of health class as a waste of my time.

Flash forward to today – I still know nothing about nutrition. Dietary Fiber? Magnesium? Gamma-linolenic Acid? If someone were to present me with some magical food with all of those things, I’d throw it on the floor and accuse them of poisoning me. Then I would run next door and order a cheeseburger and some fries. Extra oil please.

My ignorance regarding all things healthy really puts Dan in an unfortunate position. He wants to lose weight, but my diet won’t let him. I eat anything and everything — I have no regard for things that are healthy or good for you. “How about fried chicken tonight, pizza tomorrow, and maybe on Friday we’ll just eat an entire cake.” If he decides he doesn’t want to eat with me, I get all whiney because food doesn’t taste as good if I’m eating it alone. Isn’t eating regarded as a social activity on most occassions? And then I bat my eyelashes and he does my bidding (BWAH HA HA HA).

So a few days ago, Dan pleaded with me. He wants to be healthy and lose weight. He suggested buying his own groceries, but I had a better idea. How about we just stop eating out and learn to cook for ourselves every day. That in itself will save him tons of calories PLUS we won’t be wasting a miraculous amount of food by throwing away who-knows-how-many leftovers that we, as individuals, will not finish. After we get in the groove of cooking for ourselves every day, we can reevaluate our diets from there and get a better handle on our shopping list. He agreed.

So we decided to check out the food co-op – a grocery store with a lot of emphasis on local, organic products. I had suggested that we buy only a few fruits, milk, and beef there, but he wanted to do all of our grocery shopping there because it was convenient. Well… half a cart full and $90 later… our fridge looks something like this:

 

 

And no, not ALL of those things were bought at the co-op. I’m not sure that they make an organic version of Smirnoff Ice.

I like the idea of shopping organic, but seems so expensive at first glance. Our bill could have easily been around $50 had we gone to a typical grocery store with typical items and with typical prices. BUT… while I’d love to whine and bitch about the $90… I’m not sure that we got the raw end of the deal. We will easily save $40 on a single night by eating in and not going to the Indian restaurant nearby that we frequent almost weekly. And having good, quality food really inspires me to eat at home. I’m actually excited about it!

I had heard that every piece of plastic ever produced still exists today. That statement in itself pushed me to want to recycle. Recycling pushes me to wish to be more “natural”. Natural = natural food. I think you’re starting to understand my thinking patterns now. That’s good. Next time, when I’m talking about the plant on my desk and then, all of a sudden, I’m somehow on the topic of that time my step dad ran over a snapping turtle with his van, got out and beat it to death with a stick, and then took it home for us to eat turtle stew you’ll understand how I got there. Buuut… yeah… probably not.

 

I Am A Lucky Woman

Apr 152010

♥ Here’s to two years of fun together ♥

 

♥ Here’s to two years of celebrating our accomplishments with one another ♥

 

♥ Here’s to two years of taking those cute little smoochy pictures together ♥

 

♥ Here’s to two years of being in love ♥

 

Happy 2 Year Anniversary, handsome. XOXO

Naggers

Apr 142010

My mom has been in town the last few days.  She got here on Thursday afternoon and is leaving tomorrow (Wednesday) first thing in the morning.  And while I loved her visit and as great as it was that she was here visiting… all I can say about her pending departure is this: Thank God.

Since leaving for college 5 years ago, it has been harder to live at home. I think it’s because I learned independence and I learned that I can live by my own rules. Especially now that I have a place of my own, I don’t have to answer to anyone but Dan (sometimes) and the police. And my boss. And my professors. And the landlord. And my neighbors if I’m being too loud. And Prandtl if I forget to feed her. And the electricity company so I can have electric. And the crazy guy in Flint that came to verbally assault/threaten me once because he thought my roommates and I broke into his car. And Sallie Mae because they seriously own me.

But you know…. besides those people.

She is nagging me to drive slower, stay in at night, and what kinds of cleaners to use on my ceramic tile. She is telling me what to buy on my grocery trips. And while I would love to fill my refrigerator with coconut yogurt and vegetables, I don’t really like the idea of coconut flavored yogurt… and I don’t really like vegetables. 6 days of nagging cannot undo the past 22 years of my life.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my Mom. I also appreciate that she did all of my laundry and cleaned the place while I was at work. But sometimes… sometimes you just need your breathing room. A little space to breathe. A nice place to curl up in your own apartment to sit in silence. Away from people telling you what to do and how you do it… especially when you’ve been doing it your own way for years now.

Also… has anyone seen the South Park episode with “Naggers”??? HILARIOUS! Youtube it if you don’t believe me :)

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